Days of Our Dragon Age
by Moczo
Summary: Blake Cousland, child of Eleanor and Bryce, newly minted Grey Warden, is the only thing that stands between Ferelden and the rampaging hordes of evil. She may be a poor candidate, but on the bright side, Ferelden's already pretty lousy so honestly, probably nobody will even notice the mess.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: I'm so sorry. This was a request fic for a friend who's been having a rough time lately, with intent to be based on a run-through of Origins she did that ended up having some severely awkward glitches among the romances. And I swear it started as that. But I can't be trusted, have no self-control, and as a result it went somewhere... odd.**

 **... This probably isn't a surprise to you.**

 **(*)**

 _ **Previously, on Days of Our Dragon Age…**_

"I'm pregnant!" Ilona the elf servant said. "And you're the father!"

"… I'm actually a woman," Blake Cousland said.

"And your father's best friend is betraying him as we speak!" Ilona the elf servant said.

"What, how do you OH SWEET MAKER," Blake said as a man slammed open her bedroom door and three arrows slammed into Ilona's torso.

"Your lover… has been _murdered!"_ Ilona said helpfully, before dying.

(*)

"Oh Pup… I fear that I won't be making it this time…" Bryce Cousland said.

"Father… father, no…" Blake whispered, tears welling up in her eyes as she stood over her dying father.

"I'll stay with you, my love. I'll kill every one of Howe's bastards that comes through this door to buy our daughter time," Eleanor said, her voice thick with mixed sorrow and rage.

"Your sacrifice will not be forgotton, Lord and Lady Cousland," Duncan said somberly as the young woman sobbed.

"Please… please protect her, Warden."

"Howe will not lay a finger on her in the Grey Wardens, I swear."

"And Pup… I must tell you…" Bryce said. "Howe is actually… my evil twin brother… _Raoul!"_

(*)

"I have a wife and child on the way. I dislike this secrecy," Ser Jory said, as they waited for the Joining ritual. "I would have remembered them earlier, but until this point I've had _amnesia!_ "

"My sister is pregnant," Daveth agreed. "And _my mother is the father!"_

"The Grey Wardens," Duncan said, entering the scene twirling his moustache, "require great sacrifice. Each of you must drink from this chalice of Darkspawn blood. You will either join our order, and be given the powers of a Warden… or you _shall die!"_

"GASP!" Jory and Daveth said.

"You… what? I thought you promised my dying father that you'd protect me," Blake pointed out.

"Yes… Duncan did," Duncan said, twirling his dagger. Then, suddenly, he cackled madly and drove it deep into Jory's stomach. "But I'm actually Duncan's evil twin, _Raoul!"_

"Gaaaah! My amnesia!" Jory screamed as he died.

(*)

"You know, you're okay, Alistair," Blake said as they climbed to the top floor of the Tower of Ishal.

"I love you too," Alistair said.

"What?"

"Nothing. Oh, hey, ogre!"

 _ **Days of Our Dragon Age: Episode 13: As the Darkspawn Blooms**_

 **[Scene: LOTHERING. Time: Afternoon. General Atmosphere: DOOMED. Enter BLAKE and her band of HEROES. They are the last hope of the WORLD.]**

 **[They are a DORK, Blake's pet DOG, and a woman with no SHIRT.]**

 **[The world may be in TROUBLE.]**

BLAKE: Okay then. We're here, we're the only ones left alive. Any plans?

MORRIGAN: I might suggest we murder all who oppose us.

BLAKE: You're a peach.

MORRIGAN: 'Tis my mother issues. As you may know, I 'twas raised most horribly. **[DRAMATIC ORGAN plays]** And of course, there is my _dark secret._

BLAKE: … What?

MORRIGAN: Nothing.

BLAKE: … Right. Well, does anyone have any actual plan? We have these treaties, we have…

ALISTAIR: Arl Eamon is an amazing person, you know.

 **[BLAKE tries very hard not to SCREAM.]**

BLAKE: Yes. You mentioned this back at the hut. And then a few more times on the walk here. And then again now.

ALISTAIR: He's brave, strong, smart, runs the land justly with the wisdom of a sage, and only made me sleep in the stables until I was old enough to be sent to the Templars. **[DRAMATIC ORGAN plays]** But only because he knew my _dark secret._

BLAKE: Does anyone here _not_ have a dark secret? Please?

DOG: Bark bark, bark! **[DRAMATIC ORGAN plays** _ **.**_ **]** _Bark_.

BLAKE: Oh, that doesn't even sound real.

ALISTAIR: Do you understand what he says?

BLAKE: A little. I mean, you spend your whole life around a Mabari, you sort of pick things up.

ALISTAIR: Your eyes are beautiful like sapphire pools beneath a harvest moon.

BLAKE: Wh-

ALISTAIR: Nothing.

 **[It was NOT nothing.]**

BLAKE: I need a drink.

 **[She DOES.]**

(*)

 **[Scene: LOTHERING TAVERN. Time: About THREE MINUTES LATER. Atmosphere: INTOXICATED and DOOMED.]**

DOOMED LOGHAIN CAPTAIN: Well, well. Look what we have here. A few of the Wardens who killed the king! Teryn Loghain will be _happy_ to see _you._

BLAKE: Please don't talk to me until I've found whiskey. Please.

DLC: Oh, I don't think that'll be happening, traitors. You betrayed our king! Turned on our Teryn! And one of you killed my twin brother, _Raoul!_

SOLDIER: **[Adjusts his DISGUISING EYEPATCH and GOATEE.]** Yes. Yes, poor Raoul. Murdered by the Wardens. And now, you get all of your father's inheritance and the hand of the fair lady Rosa… unless of course Raoul was secretly still alive! Then, he would be able to manipulate you to your own doom in secret, dramatically taking it all for himself! Bwahahaha… BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

DLG: Yes, thank you for specifying that, soldier.

BLAKE: Okay. Okay, well. Do we have any objections to just killing all of these people?

MORRIGAN: Please yes.

ALISTAIR: You have _pretty_ eyes.

BLAKE: The ayes have it! Everyone, swords out, and the mouthy one is mine.

SEXY FRENCH VOICE: Le wait!

 **[BLAKE turns to look at the source of the voice. 'WHY CAN'T THIS BE LOVE' by Van Halen begins to PLAY.]**

 **[LELIANA enters.]**

BLAKE: _Hell_ -o.

LELIANA: All of you! Please, surely we can settle zis without violence! Ze Maker calls us all to a life of peace! **[DRAMATIC ORGAN plays]** Even zose of us who have _dark secrets_.

BLAKE: … … Eh, the sexy Chantry Sister gets a freebie. All right, men, would you like to just maybe go our separate ways? Live and let live? The Maker wants us to.

ALISTAIR: But won't Loghain _harshly punish_ them for letting us go free? Perhaps even unto _death._

RAOUL: But my inheritance!

DLC: _GASP!_ Raoul, you're alive?!

RAOUL: Yes, you fool! Your amnesia allowed me to slip into the shadows, but now I've returned! With the help… of _your very lover, the fair maiden Rosa!_ We have been having [DRAMATIC ORGAN plays] an _affair!_

DLC: Gasp! But our father shall not stand for this!

RAOUL: Bwahahahahaha… you fool! All along… I _was_ your father!

DLC: Gaaaaaaaaaaasp!

BLAKE: Is he _saying_ 'gasp'…?

 **[The DRAMATIC ORGAN climbs to a crescendo]**

RAOUL: _And_ your mother!

LOGHAIN'S GUARDS: **[Draw a lot of SHARP WEAPONS. There is a certain type of PERSON who really just reacts to things like this with MURDER, and a lot of them join MEDIEVAL ARMIES.]**

BLAKE: I feel like things have gone off track here.

ALISTAIR: Your hair is like a flowing river of obsidian beauty, my love.

LELIANA: Oh, it _is_.

(*)

 **[SCENE: LOTHERING. Still pretty DOOMED, only now slightly more DISTURBED because four PEOPLE and a DOG are walking around covered in BLOOD.]**

BLAKE: **[A flowing river of OBSIDIAN BEAUTY coated in GORE]** So. I'm going to go right ahead and say that didn't work out as planned.

MORRIGAN: 'Twas actually quite pleasant. I have collected a finger.

BLAKE: You're going to be a problematic, huh?

MORRIGAN: Of course not, noble Warden. 'Tis not as though I had… **[DRAMATIC ORGAN plays]** a _dark secret._

BLAKE: Well, at least we have _one_ person who isn't hiding anything from me now.

LELIANA: **[COUGHS in a manner that is totally not SUSPICIOUS]**

BLAKE: … Please tell me you're not another Alistair, at least.

LELIANA: I _really_ like your hair. It reminds me of the beautiful flowers my mother used to pick back in Orlais.

BLAKE: Son of a whore. Tell me there's one person on this team is sane? Just one?

DOG: Bark, bark! **[DRAMATIC ORGAN plays]** _Bark._

BLAKE: I will _smack you._

STEN: Hey.

 **[The team comes to a halt, looking UP (And UP, and UP) to see a VERY LARGE MAN in a CAGE. We are meant to believe he has not been FED or BATHED in DAYS, but he looks MOSTLY LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. LOTHERING must be a TERRIBLE PLACE.]**

STEN: I'm Sten. I killed a family of farmers.

BLAKE: Were they your evil twins?

STEN: No.

BLAKE: Do you have amnesia?

STEN: No.

BLAKE: How about dark secrets? Any of those?

STEN: Not really. I actually did kill those farmers. Also, my people are planning to enslave you all. But it's not a secret, we're actually really open about it.

BLAKE: Fantastic! You're coming with us.

STEN: … … … You have some issues, then?

 **[She DOES.]**

 **[SCENE: GREY WARDEN CAMP, NIGHT. It will ALWAYS BE NIGHT.]**

BLAKE: Okay, everyone. I think we all need some sleep at this point, and we have a long walk to…

ALISTAIR: Arl Eamon.

BLAKE: If we go there first, will you please stop asking?

ALISTAIR: I'm a virgin.

BLAKE: … I'd assumed, yes.

ALISTAIR: I just thought you should know because I'm picking up the very obvious signs that you're in love with me.

BLAKE: … There have been signs?

[ **SCENE: Flashback to the TOWER OF ISHAL. It is noticeably CLEANER, the fire has restricted itself to gentle MOOD LIGHTING, and there are FEWER CORPSES. Someone left a BOUQUET OF ROSES on one of the HORRIBLE DARKSPAWN ALTARS.]**

 **[ALISTAIR enters. He is not wearing a SHIRT, and his muscles are perhaps a bit TOO shiny.]**

ALISTAIR: Oh, Blake, my darling. Only we can save the king and Duncan now. Though we have fought our way to the top of yon tower, facing a thousand deadly foes, you have ever stayed at my side as the loyal and true companion you are.

ALISTAIR'S ABS: *Glisten, glisten*

 **[BLAKE enters. She is wearing something that is 'armor' in the same way MORRIGAN'S HANGING BOOB CLOTH is a 'robe.' If she walked down the street in DENERIM, she would get FINED.]**

BLAKE: **[Sighs wistfully]** Oh, Alistair. Though we have crawled over the corpses of a thousand darkspawn, my admiration for you has only grown. You are a man of sublime dignity, looks worthy of the finest sculptors, nobility and elegance that makes the actual king seem a pauper in comparison to your amazingness. I can only hope one day that you will be mine, and until this day I shall never touch another man, nor another Orlesian woman who really shouldn't even be coming along, she would just get in the way. I will wait for you until the end of days.

ALISTAIR: **[Hands her a ROSE. It has almost no ENTRAILS on it.]** I feel the same way, my delightful little fuzzle-wuzzles.

BLAKE: **[BREATHES too hard, causing a WARDROBE MALFUNCTION.]**

ALISTAIR'S PECS: *glisten, glisten*

 **[END FLASHBACK]**

BLAKE: … … … … What.

ALISTAIR: It was special to me too. Thank you for waiting until I'm ready, my little turtle-dove.

BLAKE: I… wow. Okay. I need to specify for you here that I'm not a virgin, and I am not waiting for anything. It's just that the last time I was with someone was…

MORRIGAN: When your lover… **[DUM DUM DUM]** _was murdered_?

BLAKE: … I was going to put it a less painful way, but basically. Thanks for, you know, bringing that up. I had _almost_ managed to forget how discomforting it was.

LELIANA: You mean you have…

BLAKE: Do. Not. Say-

LELIANA: … le _amnesia?_

 **[ORGAN CHORD plays. Where is that EVEN COMING FROM.]**

BLAKE: Just go to goddamn sleep.

MORRIGAN: _My mother kidnapped me when I was a child!_

 **[SCENE: REDCLIFFE, ext. DAYTIME. Population: Three-hundred twenty-two and FALLING. Mood: ZOMBIE-TASTIC.]**

ALISTAIR: Bann Teagan! I've come to save my beloved home and the foster family that raised and adored me!

BANN TEAGAN: Why, Alistair! I haven't seen you since my brother was making you sleep in the stables.

BLAKE: If your brother is named Raoul, I'm leaving.

ALISTAIR: Oh, this is Bann Teagan. He's a noble man who you're absolutely going to _love_ until the DLC of the third game.

BLAKE: What.

ALISTAIR: Nothing! So, about saving Redcliffe.

BLAKE: Technically speaking we don't need to… we just need to get into the castle and find the real boss, right?

MORRIGAN: I think we should let them all die.

STEN: Approval granted.

LELIANA: Bonjour! We must save all of ze peasants, mon ami!

ALISTAIR: I love you.

LELIANA: Also zat.

 **[Background Music: DUM DUM DUUUUUUUUUUUUM]**

BLAKE: Don't act like this is difficult for me, music. I'm going to agree with the one I want to sleep with the most.

ALISTAIR, LELIANA, TEAGAN and MORRIGAN: Score!

 **[SILENCE falls. All eyes VERY SLOWLY turn toward MORRIGAN.]**

MORRIGAN: What? I'm extremely hot.

BLAKE: … She actually does have a point. But no, I didn't mean you. We're saving the village. Nothing personal, it's just that you have the personality of a porcupine, and then there's that dark secret…

 **[DRAMATIC ORGAN PLAYS]**

BLAKE: _Stop that._

 **[SCENE: REDCLIFFE, the next MORNING. Post-zombies, because I am not writing an ACTION SEQUENCE for this ABSURD THING.]**

BLAKE: Well, after a long battle where we saved the entire town…

TEAGAN: Half the civilians died.

BLAKE: _The entire town._

TEAGAN: And you lit the Templars on fire.

BLAKE: _They ran into the fire barrels!_ And besides, the point is that that we got rid of all the monsters.

SCREAMING BANSHEE FROM HELL: _Teeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagaaaaaaaaaan!_

STEN: Except one, apparently. **[DRAWS SWORD]**

DEMONIC SOUND WITCH: _Yoooooooooou mussssssssst 'eeeeeeeeeeelp meeeee Teaaaaaaaaagaaaaaaaaan!_

TEAGAN: Oh, that's just my brother's wife, Isolde.

STEN: **[Does NOT sheathe sword.]**

ISOLDE: _Teeeeeeeeeeeeeeagan_ we have to save my zon! He is in ze castle wiz his fazer, where he is… trapped. Yes. **[PAUSE, as if in DEEP CONTEMPLATION]** _Teeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeagaaaaaaan!_

BLAKE: So. About this liar we have here. Who wants to bet ten gold she has a dark secr- **[PAUSES. Narrows her EYES suspiciously.]** That she is… _concealing information._

 **[NO DRAMATIC ORGAN plays. BLAKE smirks smugly.]**

ISOLDE: **[With the face of an ANGRY WEASEL]** Who is zis _woman, Teeeeeeeeeagan?_

BLAKE: I'm the reason this entire…

ALISTAIR: Half.

BLAKE: _Entire! Village!_ Is still _standing_.

MORRIGAN: If it helps, I still say we should kill them all. Just to be safe.

LELIANA: Safe from _what_?

MORRIGAN: Eh.

BLAKE: And as the hero of Redcliffe…

STEN: Half of Redcliffe. The other half is dead because of your failings.

BLAKE: _I will kill you all._

STEN: Why? Are we half of Redcliffe?

ISOLDE: _Teeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeagaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!_

[ **SCENE: REDCLIFFE CASTLE, int. There are ZOMBIES, and a CREEPY LITTLE DEMON BOY. ISOLDE is here, so at least they aren't the WORST THINGS PRESENT.]**

CONNER: Well, well. Look who has come to rescue poor sick father. But if you truly want to save him and get a happy ending for this miserable little town…

ALISTAIR: _More than anything._

BLAKE: Eh.

ALISTAIR: I love you.

CONNER: _… You'll need to go do the other main quests! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!_

BLAKE: … No. No, you _monster._ You wouldn't…

CONNER: Have fun in the Circle Tower, mortals! **[The DEMONIC FIRE in his DEAD EYES burns with HORRIBLE GLEE.]** I hear the Fade section is just _great. BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!_

BLAKE: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

RAOUL: [MANIACAL LAUGHTER]

[ **SCENE: CIRCLE TOWER. If it CAN be coated in DEMON OOZE, it pretty much IS. General Mood: CADAVERIFFIC.]**

MORRIGAN: Truly, 'tis shameful to see mages penned such as this. Imagine the knowledge that would be gained should they be free to explore and indulge their powers!

BLAKE: **[Gives a MEANINGFUL GLANCE to all of the FIRE]**

MORRIGAN: Not that _particular_ knowledge, mind you. More like myself and mother.

ALISTAIR: Didn't you say that your mother used to use you as bait to lure in Templars and murder them for her own amusement?

MORRIGAN: Indeed, and I share it freely for I am, in fact, quite openly unpleasant. **[DRAMATIC ORGAN PLAYS]** A behavior I adopt to disguise the true nature of my _dark secret._

BLAKE: Oh good, I was hoping we hadn't dropped all the hints you people are lying to me about some horrible thing looming in your pasts.

ALISTAIR: _I'm_ not lying to you about anything. **[PAUSE]** _ANYthing._

LELIANA: Nor am I, of course. **[PAUSE]** Except moi _dark secret._

ALISTAIR: Well, yes. That was implied.

BLAKE: **[SCREAMS, but only on the INSIDE because she will not give anyone the SATISFACTION of hearing her BREAK.]**

EVERYONE'S GRANDMA: Stop! I am Wynne, the mage commanding the defense of this tower, and I shall not allow you to harm the apprentices. Halt, and please be careful which of your party members you bring in with you because if you say the wrong thing, I'll attack Morrigan and you'll have to kill me. And I'm the _only healer._ You'll be _dooming yourself_ with _one. Careless. Word_.

BLAKE: Oh. Well, she just won't say anything, th-

MORRIGAN: You know, we should just kill everyone here to be safe.

WYNNE: _You shall not pass to harm my people, apostate!_

 **[One RELOAD later.]**

BLAKE: This is my friend Sten. He's large and thankfully doesn't talk a lot.

STEN: All true.

BLAKE: I left Alistair at camp too. That guy creeps me out a little.

DOG: Woof woof! **[DRAMATIC ORGAN PLAYS]** _Woof._

ALISTAIR: **[From FARTHER AWAY than you'd THINK could be HEARD]** I love you!

 **[SCENE: CIRCLE TOWER, UPPER FLOORS, int. If you thought the FIRST FLOOR was coated in DEMON SLIME, you AIN'T SEEN NOTHING YET.]**

BLAKE: Okay, people. We know the Litany of Adralla is on this floor, and we can use it to fight the Abominations on the top floor. All we have to do is find it and we can save everyone who's still alive, right?

WYNNE: Quite so.

BLAKE: I like you. You're honest and helpful, two qualities I've learned not to expect in my group.

WYNNE: Yes. Honest. That's me. **[DRAMATIC ORGAN PLAYS]**

BLAKE: Oh, Hell no. What is it?

WYNNE: What is what?

BLAKE: Your dark secret! I _know_ you have one, that was the dark secret music. You think I don't know how this works by now? I know Morrigan is doing something with her mom and Alistair is lying about his past, and Leliana was definitely being a nun to hide from something.

LELIANA: Somezing… or _someone_. From my _dark past._ **[DRAMATIC ORGAN PLAYS]**

BLAKE: Yes, that! See?! Dark secret music, right there! So you talk, ancient woman, because I _know. I'm on to you._

WYNNE: I have… nothing to tell you. I am not keeping any secrets, and I'm definitely a normal, living, mage. **[DRAMATIC ORGAN PLAYS]**

BLAKE: _I hear that, dammit!_ That's it. That's it. You people are all telling me everything about yourselves, right now. Sten, you start.

STEN: I am large. I like swords. I want my sword back.

BLAKE: … Okay, you were a bad starting point, but thank you for your honesty. The rest of you, get on this revelation train.

DOG: Bark, bark.

BLAKE: Oh, I didn't know that. I'm so sorry.

DOG: Bark.

BLAKE: Blessed Andraste, really? Your poor sister. Did you ever find her again?

DOG: Bark… bark bark. Bark.

BLAKE: [Eyes filling with TEARS] Oh, dear Maker. That's… that's horrible. The whole village… I… I never imagined. My friend, you and I have more in common than I ever would have dreamed. I swear to you, one day you will have your vengeance, just as I shall. Raoul will not get away with such base betrayal.

DOG: [With an aura of DIGNIFIED SADNESS] Bark.

BLAKE: Well. I mean… none of you can tell a better story than that, but. I still think It's really important that we get this out of the way and build some real trust, before something happens that really tests our bond as a team.

SLOTH DEMON: Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.

BLAKE: Oh for f-

 **[SCENE: The FADE. It is like the REAL WORLD only EVERYTHING SUCKS.]**

BLAKE: Oh, sweet Andraste. I knew it was coming and yet I still let it bite me. Ummmmm… okay, how do we do this.

GHOSTLY DREAM WIZARD: Why, you only have to go find all your team again. Each one is trapped in a terrible dream!

BLAKE: Oh, that's not so bad.

GDW: And each of those dreams is behind its own dungeon!

BLAKE: Oh. Well… they're probably pretty short…

GDW: No.

BLAKE: Ummmm… not a lot of enemies?

GDW: HA!

BLAKE: I get some like, Fade helpers, at least? Spirits?

GDW: You get me.

BLAKE: Oh, you're going to come along and fight with me?

GDW: No. I'm going to stay here in the main hub and advise you.

BLAKE: … … … … Do I get _anything_ good out of this?

GDW: You get _stat boosts!_

BLAKE: Hey, sweet!

GDW: If you can _find_ them in the sprawling, monster-filled hellholes you have to navigate in this twisted nightmarescape!

BLAKE: …..

GDW: And you get some _shapeshifting magic powers!_

BLAKE: Heeeeey, awesome!

GDW: They are _not._ And you better remember them all, because there's a quiz boss at the end.

BLAKE: … So, are you like, _trying_ to make me want to kill you, or is that accidental? You know, don't answer that, I'm sure you have a dark secret **[DRAMATIC ORGAN CHORD PLAYS]** or something that will come back to haunt me later, but for now I need to get started. Can't take _that_ long.

[ **SCENE: The CIRCLE TOWER, TOP FLOOR, int. THREE WEEKS LATER.]**

ULDRED: Hahahaha… I see another has come to join me in the final evolution of mage-kind! Yes, you all shall make powerful warriors once a demon has entered y-

BLAKE: **[Kind of TWITCHES and makes a low, half-growl half-whimper kind of SOUND. It brings to mind a SICK CAT hiding in a CORNER as it waits to DIE.]**

ULDRED: … Are you okay? I don't want to put a demon inside you for my revolution if you aren't healthy, you know. I am trying to build a doom army here, not a charity drive. Maybe come back later when you're feeling better?

BLAKE: **[STABS HIM]**

 **[SCENE: REDCLIFFE CASTLE, int. Someone CLEANED UP, anyway.]**

ISOLDE: TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAGAN, they have returned wiz ze wizards!

BLAKE: Oh good, she's still here.

ISOLDE: Thank you all for returning, to 'elp save my beloved child. I am so pleased to see you all, nearly as pleased as I am whenever I see TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAGAN!

ALISTAIR: I miss this city every time we leave it. They truly are the best people in all of Ferelden.

ISOLDE: _To the stables with you, bastard spawn of a whore._

ALISTAIR: Like family to me, really.

BLAKE: Okay. Everyone. Wizards, tell me how we solve this problem.

WIZARDS OF THE TOWER: Well, first, we will perform a ritual around the possessed boy to let one of you go into the Fade, and-

[ **SCENE: CAMP. BLAKE awakens in a cold sweat after having to be KNOCKED UNCONSCIOUS and dragged out of REDCLIFFE after she went BERSERK and began ATTACKING everyone in the ROOM, screaming in an INHUMAN TONGUE.]**

MORRIGAN: Greetings.

BLAKE: Oh… oh Maker. I feel awful. What happened?

WYNNE: Well, I chose to help the royal family of Redcliffe by going into the Fade for you, and-

[ **SCENE: CAMP, the next morning. It is STILL NIGHT.]**

BLAKE: Uuuuuugh… I feel even worse…

MORRIGAN: **[Nursing a BLACK EYE, her arm in a SLING]** Oh, yes. The one hurt here was _you_ , clearly.

WYNNE: I think we've all learned something here. Don't say… that word.

ALISTAIR: **[UNCONSCIOUS]**

LELIANA: Well. On ze plus side, I zink we are doing well in zaving Ferelden, _non_? We 'ave saved some wizards and a small child.

BLAKE: You _call_ that 'well,' but I question the value of our actions so far. We saved like five people, total. Not even the real Arl Eamon, just his stupid kid. Do we even _care_ about the kid? I mean, other than Alistair, who is _easily_ the least important member of this group.

DOG: Bark, bark.

BLAKE: Yes, you _are_ more important than him. Good boy. Goooood boy!

LELIANA: Well, _I_ think we've done a great job. And wiz hardly any issues!

 **[SCENE: The next day, a random stretch of FOREST. It would be SCENIC if not for the TWENTY ARCHERS all SHOOTING AT THE PARTY.]**

LELIANA: **[Hiding behind a LOG.]** So, I think this is a good time to tell you that I was hiding in the Chantry because my ex-girlfriend is a legendary spy who wants to kill me.

BLAKE: **[An ARROW parts her HAIR]** Gee. Thanks for bringing that up. This is a great way to find out. I'm _really happy_.

LELIANA: Oh, good, I was afraid you'd be angry.

BLAKE: Bitch, you're lucky you're cute.

ALISTAIR: On the bright side, if she's hired all of these assassins, the odds are pretty good there won't be that many other assassins left to come after us!

 **[SCENE: DENERIM, capital of FERELDEN. TERYN LOGHAIN, who nobody spotted as a VILLAIN despite his PALLOR and OMINOUS EVIL ARMOR, is sipping a chalice of wine. His closest advisor, ARL HOWE, who nobody spotted as a VILLAIN despite being voiced by TIM CURRY, is in attendance. He wipes some of BLAKE'S** **PARENTS off his BOOTS.]**

LOGHAIN: So, how many assassins did we pick up?

TIM CURRY: Literally dozens. They're _everywhere._ I brought you the most charming and debonair of them.

LOGHAIN: I question why you described him as that.

ZEVRAN: 'Allo. [ **A GENTLE BREEZE rustles his hair, which FLOWS like a river made of MOLTEN GOLD.]**

LOGHAIN: Oh, wow, he _is_ charming. And you're sure he's an assassin? He's far more handsome than you'd expect. Like, extremely handsome.

ZEVRAN: I _know_.

LOGHAIN: I mean, I would never betray the memory of my late wife, but. Wow.

TIM CURRY: I authorized him to get a bonus.

LOGHAIN: I'll allow this. **[Nods AUTHORITATIVELY.]** So handsome.


	2. Chapter 2

**_Days of Our Dragon Age: Episode 27: Elves Amongst the Autumn Leaves_**

 **(*)**

[ **SCENE: The WILDERNESS, over the bodies of about eight DEAD ASSASSINS.]**

BLAKE: So, about your murder issues.

LELIANA: They aren't _my_ murder issues. Zey are my ex-girlfriend's. She's very passionate.

BLAKE: How did you even _date_ a spy? I thought you were a nun!

LELIANA: Well. I'm a nun _now_. But as wiz all nuns, I was once a spy and assassin.

BLAKE: … … … _All_ nuns?

LELIANA: A possible exaggeration, but, I like to zink so. It would explain how they're all so sexy.

BLAKE: Huh. Well, okay, I'll allow it. And now we can just go find your ex and kill her, and solve everyone's problems all at once.

LELIANA: How does that solve everyone's problems?

BLAKE: It solves your problem of being stalked by a crazy woman, and my problem of being angry at the whole world. Besides, I suspect she's not gonna just leave us alone, and the _last_ thing we need is more assassins around.

ZEVRAN: 'Allo.

BLAKE: … Someone is right behind me, huh.

LELIANA: Oui.

BLAKE: Assassin?

ZEVRAN: Oh my, yes.

BLAKE: **[SIGHS]**

 **[SCENE: STILL the WILDERNESS, over the bodies of about sixteen DEAD ASSASSINS and one LIVING ONE.]**

ZEVRAN: Oh my. You fight so beautifully, my dear, I find myself smitten. Also wounded about the head and shoulders.

BLAKE: Yeah, that was from me hitting you. Now, you wanna tell me who you are and who hired you, or do I go back to doing that?

ZEVRAN: I am Zevran, of the Antivan Crrrrows.

 **[The way he says CROWS is just FUN to LISTEN TO.]**

BLAKE: Oh my.

ZEVRAN: I was hired by a most dour man named Loghain, who hired the Crrrrows, to hunt the Warden who survived Ostagar. [ **PAUSE.]** Antivan Crrrrows.

[ **It's the LITTLE ROLL to the R that DOES IT.]**

BLAKE: Okay, we have to take him with us.

LELIANA and ALISTAIR: What.

BLAKE: I'm sorry. He's just too handsome not to.

ALISTAIR: He's an assassin!

BLAKE: And _very handsome._ Like, why did nobody warn me he would be so handsome?

LELIANA: I thought you were gay. You always pick me over Alistair in things.

BLAKE: Oh, nah, all Bioware main characters are bisexual these days. I just don't like Alistair, specifically.

ALISTAIR: I love you too.

BLAKE: Besides, I think Zevran would be attractive no matter what my sexual preference is. His hair is like a river of gold.

[ **That's actually pretty much TRUE.]**

ALISTAIR: Well, _I'm_ not attracted to him.

ZEVRAN: **[With a DEVIL MAY CARE SMIRK]** Yes you are.

ALISTAIR: What? No I'm-

ZEVRAN: Antivan Crrrrows.

ALISTAIR: … Dammit, he's right.

ZEVRAN: So, I am now on your team. As well I should be. Tell me, what is our first mission together? To save the world? To fight the spawn of darkness?

BLAKE: Actually, we're on our way to kill Leliana's ex-girlfriend.

ZEVRAN: … You are far less heroic than I initially assumed.

BLAKE: You want me to leave you here?

ZEVRAN: Antivan Crrrrrrrrows.

BLAKE: _Dammit_.

[ **SCENE: DENERIM, capital city of FERELDEN. Population: 25% BANDITS, 25% BLOOD MAGES, 25% CORRUPT NOBLES, 24% PEOPLE WHO ARE JUST JERKS, 1% OPPRESSED ELVES. But it's OKAY, because that awesome BLACKSMITH lives here and the DWARF MERCHANT is voiced by STEVE BLUM.]**

 **[Int., the house of a HORRIBLE BITCH.]**

THE ONLY ORLESIAN IN THIS GAME WORSE THAN ISOLDE: Ah, Leliana. My lovely leetle girl, returned to me at long last.

LELIANA: Marjolaine! Ze dark secrets of my past have come to haunt me at long last!

MARJOLAINE: No, zee, I said 'at long last' first, so you cannot end your sentence wiz ze same phrase. It is clunky. Zat is why I was always ze leader, and you always ze puppet in my hands.

LELIANA: _You monster._

MARJOLAINE: But now, you 'ave come to me. And I… will leave.

BLAKE: What.

MARJOLAINE: Well, I mean, I wanted to kill Leliana, sure, but it wasn't personal. Just that she survived that time I framed her for treason and left her to be tortured and killed, and ever since then I've watched her like a hawk for the moment she did anything which even remotely suggested she was out for vengeance. But that shouldn't suggest I don't _like_ her. Just that by doing something which implied she remembers me—which I am choosing to define as 'moving out of her old living quarters'—while in the middle of a giant war against hordes of plague-ridden hell orcs, I need to have her killed. Because I am ze center of ze universe, and she 'as no reason to do anything that isn't directly related to me.

BLAKE: ….. [ **Very QUIETLY turns to LELIANA.]** _This_ is your ex? You said she was a _spy,_ not Bitch Prime, the cosmic font from which all other bitches were spawned.

LELIANA: [ **COUGHS]** She is… very pretty.

BLAKE: Yes. You know what else is pretty? Poisonous snakes. I wouldn't wanna date one of them.

LELIANA: I was young!

BLAKE: Were you _five_? Because that's the main reason I can think of to be taken in by this woman. Being literally too young to understand the concept of death, which she will inevitably bring to anyone she associates with.

LELIANA: Look, you know how it is. You're just out of spy school, you meet a sexy older woman, she talks you into bed and teaches you positions you didn't know existed, and the next thing you know you're in Tevinter, killing a man.

BLAKE: I don't know how that is at _all_. That doesn't sound remotely like any school experience I _ever_ had.

LELIANA: We clearly went to very different universities. It was all ze rage at Bard Tech.

BLAKE: That isn't a real school.

LELIANA: Sure it is! Go Fighting Songbirds!

MARJOLAINE: A-hem. Why are none of you noticing me? Ze important one?

BLAKE: You know, we're here to kill you. You probably shouldn't be trying to grab our attention.

MARJOLAINE: Bwahahahaha… you don't even know, do you? I am, like Leliana, trained as a great Orlesian bard! I can sing deadly magical songs which empower me and 'arm my foes.

BLAKE: … So? If Leliana's bard singing was any good, I'd probably have mentioned it before now. Frankly, at this point I'm just glad you're not claiming to be my evil twin Raoul.

MARJOLAINE: How did you know about Raoul?! I thought he was long dead! Unless… _gasp!_ Do I have… _amnesia?!_

BLAKE: Why do I say things.

MARJOLAINE: But it matters not! For now, you'll face the deadliest power of all, the elegant, mystical song of a bard, musical notes which can ensnare ze senses and bewitch ze soul! [ **Takes a DEEP BREATH, preparing her PERFECTLY TUNED vocal chords to cast out a BEAUTIFUL SONG which would MYSTICALLY PARALYZE all who OPPOSE HER.]** YAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHONK.

BLAKE: _The Hell is that?!_

LELIANA: Gasp! It is ze deadly Captivating Song, ze mightiest power of ze bard! She will stun us all wiz each note she sings!

ALISTAIR: I actually don't feel stunned.

ZEVRAN: Is she doing it right? She kind of just threw back her head and screamed.

MARJOLAINE: YAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHONK.

MORRIGAN: I didn't realize there were people who could sing worse than Leliana.

LELIANA: I am a _wonderful_ singer. And it isn't a perfect song, you know! It only has a _chance_ to stun people who hear it. I guess she's gotten pretty unlucky so far.

WYNNE: Oh! Oh, I feel a bit stunned. [ **SITS DOWN]**

LELIANA: You see? _Terrifying_.

MARJOLAINE: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHONK.

MORRIGAN: Are we certain it wasn't just Wynne being a wizened crone? She is _quite_ ancient.

LELIANA: It was _ze terrifying song_ , dammit. Wynne was _stunned,_ making her unable to face Marjolaine's horrible assaults.

BLAKE: She isn't _making_ any assaults, Leliana. She's just… 'singing'.

LELIANA: [ **COUGH]** Well. Yes. While using zis song, you cannot so much… move. Or attack. Or do anyzing at all but sing more.

MARJOLAINE: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHONK.

BLAKE: Okay. Um. So she has a random chance to temporarily stun us, but she can't do anything about it. I… am I the only one who sees the flaw in this tactic?

DOG: Woof, woof.

STEN: I do not know what this dog said about this 'strategy,' but the very fact the dog is the one who said it is a deeper condemnation than anything I could possibly offer.

MARJOLAINE: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARG-[ **STABBED]**

 **[SCENE: CAMP. It is roughly 1:30 in the AFTERNOON, which is NIGHT.]**

LELIANA: So. Errrm.

BLAKE: You wanna explain all of… that?

LELIANA: I wasn't going to say anything, actually. I guess I was hoping you'd just forget about it.

BLAKE: It was _pretty memorable._

LELIANA: Well, you know how I'm a bard? And bards are spies in my home country of Fantasy France? And I was a spy, and Marjolaine was my spy master and we were also lovers, and then she betrayed me and left me to be tortured for her crimes?

BLAKE: Yes, thank you, I worked that much out.

LELIANA: Well, I was thinking I kind of miss the spying, which is what I assume you were going to ask about.

BLAKE: I… no, that's… not really what I was going to ask about. I was going to ask why _anyone_ would possibly _every_ sleep with that psychotic weirdo.

LELIANA: Do you think I should be a spy again? Or go back to being a nun?

[ **This is what is known as a MORAL CHOICE. BLAKE will have to make SEVERAL of these on her JOURNEY, and they MAY or MAY NOT have LASTING EFFECTS. It is HIGHLY IMPORTANT that such decisions be approached with TACT and DIGNITY, because by choosing to ENCOURAGE one's party members to be LESS MORAL, or 'HARDENING' them, you GREATLY AFFECT their CHARACTER GROWTH. BLAKE considered ALL OF THIS.]**

BLAKE: … …. … Well, which option will eventually lead to you, me, Zevran, and a beautiful pirate queen having a crazy four-way in a filthy brothel?

LELIANA: Guess.

[ **And then, LELIANA was HARDENED.]**

BLAKE: All right, everyone. Life has finally improved for me, so I'm feeling industrious. Who wants to do a main quest?

ALISTAIR: I love you.

ZEVRAN: _My mother died when I was a child and I was taken as a slave by assassins._ [ **DRAMATIC ORGAN PLAYS]**

BLAKE: Not letting it get me down!

 **[SCENE: The BRAY… BREE… BRAEKIL… … … The ELF FOREST, DALISH CAMP, ext. Overall Mood: LYCANTHROPIC.]**

BLAKE: So, Alistair.

ALISTAIR: Yes, snuggle-buns?

BLAKE: _Stop that._ We have three Grey Warden treaties to use, right? Mages, elves, and dwarves.

ALISTAIR: You deliver exposition so beautifully.

BLAKE: The thing is, we only saved like ten mages.

WYNNE: Nine, if you don't count the one from the foyer who has decided she's a sin against the Maker. And let's be honest, you shouldn't.

MORRIGAN: You shouldn't count _any_ of them.

WYNNE: Don't make me come over there, young lady.

MORRIGAN: **[Muttered]** Don't make… _me_ come over there. You… old person.

BLAKE: _My point_. Is that our first army wasn't quite up to snuff. And now I look at our second army…

[ **There are about FORTY elves. Maybe HALF of them can WALK. The rest are on the GROUND, wrapped in BLOODY BANDAGES and WRITHING IN AGONY.]**

BLAKE: … and I gotta say, I see a similar problem.

ALISTAIR: We'll always have Arl Eamon.

BLAKE: You _swore_ you would stop talking about that if we went there first.

ALISTAIR: I may have been dishonest.

ELF GUARD: Halt, humans! You intrude upon the lands of the Dalish Elves! Our mighty armies shall cut you down should you take a step further toward our refuge!

BLAKE: … There are three of you. And seven of us.

DOG: Bark!

BLAKE: I know it's actually eight. Don't worry, I was counting you as one of the seven. Alistair is the one I was skipping.

ALISTAIR: I love you too.

ELF GUARD: … Okay, actually, I think you aren't a threat anyway. Um, what's up?

BLAKE: We're technically Grey Wardens, and there's a whole darkspawn situation. We were hoping to recruit your, um, 'mighty army.'

ELF GUARD: [ **GLANCES back at the COUNTLESS WOUNDED.]** It _is_ mighty, you know.

BLAKE: Uh-huh.

ELF GUARD: Having a bit of an off-day, maybe, but really quite mighty when you get to know it.

BLAKE: I'm sure.

ELF GUARD: Technically it will be even mightier soon, though a bit less, you know, _controllable_. And possibly furrier.

BLAKE: … Explain?

ELF GUARD: I don't know. You'd have to talk to Zethrian, and he doesn't really like strangers. Or humans. Actually just humans. _Really_ not a human enthusiast.

ZEVRAN: Ah-hem.

ELF GUARD: …. … … … Oh my.

ZEVRAN: Do I even have to say it?

ELF GUARD: Well. Um. You don't have to, but… _could_ you?

ZEVRAN: Antivan Crrrrrows.

ELF GUARD: **[SHUDDER]** So, you can come. [ **PAUSE]** Come _in._ You can come in. To camp. I mean, you can… if you want to, I….

ZEVRAN: Everrrry time, baby.

TALL, BALD, AND ANGRY: Greetings, Grey Warden. I am Zathrian, the leader of this band of Dalish elves, the last free elves on this world. I welcome you, though you are an inferior human animal little better than a rabid possum dying alone on a rotting log, bloated with disease and maggots crawling through its putrid flesh.

BLAKE: I sense some animosity.

ZATHRIAN: You probably imagined that. Tell me, what can the Dalish do for you? We have little to give that your warlike monster-species has not already stolen from us, carving it from the blood of our helpless youths as you spread across this continent like a plague.

BLAKE: I… had a, like… treaty, to ask for your army to help us. You know, because Darkspawn. I'm a Grey Warden, and all.

ALISTAIR: And she's _far_ more beautiful than any possum.

ZATHRIAN: Well, I would be pleased to offer my help to the Grey Wardens. I can offer you a mighty Dalish army of nearly fifty soldiers.

BLAKE: … … … I feel like I didn't advertise the threat properly. You see, there are quite a lot of Darkspawn. I want to say a great horde in the tens of thousands. And fifty elves is… well. Fifty. I can count to fifty. I won't take me very long. Fifty seconds, in fact. I don't believe I can count to tens of thousands.

MORRIGAN: Alistair can't count to fifty.

BLAKE: Thank you for your help, Morrigan. You're a good person.

MORRIGAN: Still plotting against you.

BLAKE: Hush. Anyway, Zethrian, I'm hoping you see the, well, the issue here. Tens of thousands. Fifty. Numbers don't add up.

ZATHRIAN: Well. That's good, because fifty soldiers was actually not the number I can provide at this time.

BLAKE: … You're about to say you can't give us any, huh.

ZATHRIAN: It isn't our _fault_.

BLAKE: I'm still going to blame you.

ZATHRIAN: Look, we were walking through this forest on our way to be elves, and we were suddenly attacked by werewolves. They've killed many of our people and infected others with their filthy, human disease.

ALISTAIR: Why did you call it a 'human' disease if they're wolves?

BLAKE: … Alistair, that was _oddly_ insightful of you.

ALISTAIR: I love you too, schmoopy-schmoo.

ZATHRIAN: Look, it's just an assumption. Because humans are, much like dogs, filthy flea-bitten mongrels that should all be killed. [ **PAUSE.]** It isn't as though I have some sort of _dark secret._ [ **DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]**

BLAKE: I'm going to stab you in the face, you motherf-

WYNNE: She means we'd be happy to help.

BLAKE: _Do I, though?!_

WYNNE: [ **FIRMLY]** You _do ,_ young lady.

BLAKE: [ **MUTTERED** ] … _You_ do… old… person.

ZATHRIAN: Very well. You must go into the woods filled with werewolves and kill the great white wolf Witherfang, the source of the lycanthropic curse. You will not ask how I know this.

BLAKE: I feel we should ask.

ZATHRIAN: I feel you should _shut up._ My First, Lanaya, will tell you more and give you access to the amazing gear of the Dalish, which will most certainly not be outclassed before you even reach it. Go forth, and if you must die to save my people, please feel free. In fact, you could maybe try to die even if you don't have to.

MORRIGAN: He seems nice.

[ **SCENE: The DALISH CAMP, slightly off to the LEFT. This probably didn't merit a SCENE CHANGE.]**

LANAYA: So, I understand if you don't feel _super welcome._ But it's okay. I'm here to tell you a story that will make you feel very bad, and then direct you at some sidequests.

BLAKE: … Yay?

LANAYA: I was kidnapped by bandits as a child. They killed my parents, turned me into the helpless slave and plaything of their vile lusts. I was trapped for years, tormented and degraded. It was only through the sheerest luck that I was eventually saved by these Dalish elves, who then looked down on me for years until I clawed my way up to this position of authority through sheer determination and raw competence.

[ **The SILENCE that follows this STORY could be CUT WITH A KNIFE.]**

ZEVRAN: So are you going to be a party member? Because a backstory that awful actually makes me think 'party member.'

BLAKE: _Zevran!_

ZEVRAN: What?

BLAKE: _Too soon!_

ZEVRAN: I was a slave too. There was some very inappropriate things going on. Morrigan was kidnapped as a child…

MORRIGAN: I also have a _dark secret._ [ **DRAMATIC ORGAN PLAYS]**

ZEVRAN: Alistair has never been loved by one single person in his entire life…

ALISTAIR: Except my huggy-wuggy-snuggy-bunny.

ZEVRAN: Leliana, well, we just covered the torture and rape and betrayal, and let's be honest, she can't sing either.

LELIANA: I am ze _great singer_.

ZEVRAN: And Wynne…

WYNNE: Is a normal woman with no personal issues and no dark secrets. So stop asking questions.

ZEVRAN: Yes, that.

BLAKE: You know, he actually has a point. She kind of is party-member material. Lanaya, want to join u-

[ **LANAYA, being far more SENSIBLE than most people, is LONG GONE.]**

BLAKE: Oh, let's just go save the stupid elves from the stupid werewolves.

DOG: Bark bark!

BLAKE: Yeah, you say that _now_.

[ **SCENE: BRAKA-LIECIAN FOREST, deep in the WOODS, ext. Mood: WOODSLY.]**

CRAZY WIZARD: Whee hee hee hee! I live out in the woods and play riddle games with passerby! The only hope you have to reach the temple at the center of this forest is to defeat me in a [ **STABBED]**

LELIANA: … Wasn't that a bit extreme?

BLAKE: I'm sorry, but this is a forest full of werewolves and for some reason the trees come alive and attack too. I'm in a hurry and I'm going to _stab_ anyone who tries to _slow me down._

MORRIGAN: If you were a man, I would be all over you right now.

STEN: Wait, Blake is _female_?

BLAKE: _Are you slowing me down, friends?_

ALISTAIR: _I'm_ not. I'm helping us progress by clearing out the magical wards upon these nearby graves so they don't produce a problem.

BLAKE: … … … Please let them be nice, normal graves with nothing inside but a dead person?

REVENANT, TERRIBLE UNDEAD SLAUGHTERER OF ARMIES: Hiiiiiiiiiii.

[ **SCENE: Back in the same FOREST, after gluing everyone's LIMBS back on.]**

BLAKE: Okay. Okay. Sweet Maker, nobody touch anything. Everything will be fine. We are just going to skip that sidequest, all right? I'm not a completionist. I will learn to live without whatever rewards we might have gotten. Leave the graves _alone_.

ALISTAIR: You mean the grave I already desecrated to get us our rematch? Because I didn't leave that one alone.

REVENANT, DEMONIC KNIGHT CLOAKED IN THE FLESH OF AN ANCIENT WARRIOR: _Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii._

[ **SCENE: Back in the same FOREST, after pulling all the SHARDS of BLAKE's armor out of her SPINE.]**

BLAKE: You guys. You guys. You guys. I don't want… I don't. You guys. Don't. Hahahahaha…

MORRIGAN: I think you broke her.

ALISTAIR: Love makes people say strange things.

BLAKE: _No touch graves!_

LELIANA: Shhhhhh. There, there, honey. Everything will be okay. I won't let them hurt you again. You can trust me.

BLAKE: Oh yeah, because you did such a great job the first two times. You sure did show that guy, hitting him in the sword with your face.

LELIANA: … You're going to need to get me flowers to make me happy after that.

BLAKE: I could bring your international espionage documents! That's what your _ex-girlfriend_ finds romantic, right?!

LELIANA: Okay, you know what? We're on a break.

BLAKE: My _legs_ are on a break, in case you haven't noticed! And we weren't a couple yet anyway!

LELIANA: What are you talking about? Of course we were. I told you I like your hair, the universal declaration of love, and you didn't stab me in return. We're a couple.

ALISTAIR: That sounds right to me.

ZEVRAN: Ah, young love.

BLAKE: Yaaaaaaaaarghbble!

[ **This ADVENTURE has not been BLAKE's best EXPERIENCE.]**

 **[SCENE: The heart of the WOODS, a RUINED ELVEN TEMPLE, ext.]**

BLAKE: All right. All right. Against all odds, we have managed to, as a _team_ , survive a twenty-minute walk through the woods.

STEN: I would be proud of us, if I was not absolutely certain the next twenty minutes were going to lead to at least one of us suffering severe bodily harm.

MORRIGAN: Probably Alistair.

STEN: Yes, that is where I was leading.

MORRIGAN: I like you.

BLAKE: Look, we _all_ want Alistair to suffer bodily harm. But-

ALISTAIR: _I_ don't want that!

BLAKE: This discussion doesn't involve you.

ALISTAIR: I feel pretty involved!

WYNNE: Don't worry, dear. I won't let you die horribly. After all, you don't have a spirit to reanimate your corpse. [ **PAUSE]** Not that this is a thing that happens.

BLAKE: Subtle, Granny Foreshadow. But if it helps, I'm actually on Alistair's side this time. See, the thing is, I got some signs that Zathrian isn't exactly acting in our best interests.

LELIANA: Whatever do you mean?

 **[SCENE: The DALISH CAMP, at that VERY MOMENT.]**

ZATHRIAN: Lanaya, my First. Have you sent a team of hunters to kill the humans who defile our sacred forests?

LANAYA: … … … Why would I have? You hired them to go in there and solve a problem for us.

ZATHRIAN: That doesn't mean it isn't blasphemy, Lanaya. Werewolves hunting our clan is certainly awful. But humans walking through the forest? _Equally as awful_. You see the problem?

LANAYA: … Sir, I was actually trying to coordinate with the quartermaster, to find a new supply of cloth for the medics to use as bandages. This seems more important than this whole… line of questioning. So would it be all right if we just _pretend_ it never came up?

ZATHRIAN: I just feel like we could be killing more humans than we are.

LANAYA: Now see, this isn't you pretending, sir. And I'm going to have to put my foot right down on the concept of you killing the humans who are trying to save us before they've even finished saving us.

ZATHRIAN: I'm gonna go out into the forest. To… check on them.

LANAYA: Sir, are you going to kill them?

ZATHRIAN: Y….no.

LANAYA: **[SIGHS DEEPLY]**

[ **SCENE: The ANCIENT ELVEN TEMPLE, int. All the eye can SEE is littered with the BONES of those who have FAILED to plumb this TERRIBLE LABYRINTH. The stench of BLOOD and BEASTS fills the air, and the HOWLING of the WEREWOLVES is interrupted only by the CHITTERING of SPIDERS, the MOANS of the UNDEAD, and the ROARS of some TERRIBLE PREDATOR. MOOD: MUCH more OMINOUS than your typical CHURCH.]**

ALISTAIR: This place seems nice.

BLAKE: [ **SIGHS DEEPLY]**

LELIANA: Vot is wrong, my darlink?

MORRIGAN: Did your accent get German for a second there?

LELIANA: Le shut up, it eez, how you say, difficult to maintain a reedeculous accent in text form. Vich is unfair anyway, because my voice actress actually is French.

MORRIGAN: What?

LELIANA: Nuzzink, moi friend.

STEN: [ **IGNORING the TEAM, which is the only way he GETS THROUGH THE DAY]** Commander. You seem worried. Is it because you have no skill as a commander? Or because we are not remotely equipped to deal with real danger?

ALISTAIR: Don't be mean to my snuggle-bunny! She is a great leader, and we are super equipped.

STEN: I know a half of Redcliffe that would disagree.

WYNNE: Ah, Redcliffe. A beautiful community, you know. I have always loved to travel there, when I could find time away from the tower. How are they doing?

STEN: Half of them are doing very well.

BLAKE: _Shut up._ I'm worried because I'm planning this out, and it's going to be ugly, okay? Look around. Those skeletons over there are going to get up when we walk past them. There's a bunch of panels that are the wrong height in the floor. Can you say 'trap'? And that roar was just like when a young dragon flew over the battlements back at the Castle last season.

ALISTAIR: Oh, it won't be that bad. Traps are pretty easy to avoid if you're very careful and cautious like we always are, we have a lot of experience fighting the undead at this point…

STEN: Not as much as half of Redcliffe.

ALISTAIR: … And let's be honest, there's practically no dragons in the world, and we're underground! It probably wasn't a dragon at all.

 **[SCENE: ONE FLOOR DOWN, which looks mostly the SAME. The major difference would be that MOST of the party is now SOAKED IN BLOOD, on FIRE, or BOTH.]**

ALISTAIR: All right. It wasn't a _full-grown_ dragon.

BLAKE: _You shut your Makerdamn face._

ALISTAIR: Awwww, honey, don't be like that. I mean, we made it through and nobody was _seriously_ wounded.

LELIANA: I zink my brain is leaking out my ears…

ZEVRAN: Where is my hand? _Where is my hand?!_

MORRIGAN: Mrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg…

STEN: I experience pain.

ALISTAIR: Nobody at all.

WYNNE: Don't worry, as the only healer, I can heal you all. Aren't you glad you didn't say something to upset me? Antagonizing me would doom you _all_. And there _will be other moments._ You should live in _constant fear_ of the moment you do something _slightly_ too evil and I abandon you _forever._

BLAKE: … You know, for someone who is the distilled essence of grandma, you have a bit of a dark side.

WYNNE: I look at it as helping you grow.

[ **WYNNE re-attaches everyone's LIMBS, and because she's SO NICE she even makes sure to ATTACH them to the RIGHT PEOPLE. The team opens ONE DOOR.]**

HORDE OF WEREWOLVES: Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.

BLAKE: … Okay. We got this. At this point, I think we're all armored by our scar tissue, right? And Alistair smells vaguely of cheese, so they'll probably want to eat him first. Everyone, get them while they chew on Alistair.

ALISTAIR: I have issues with this plARRRRRGHLBLBE

BLAKE: Go team!

[ **SCENE: The HEART of the TEMPLE. There is a LARGE TREE, some WEREWOLVES, and a HOT GREEN NAKED FOREST NYMPH. MOOD: Awwwwwwwwwwwww YEAH.]**

LADY OF THE FOREST: Greetings, travelers.

BLAKE: **[Makes a kind of a SQUEAKING NOISE, but produces no WORDS.]**

LADY: I rule these woods, and seek to comfort and calm the wolves within. They have been cursed, you see, tormented with this animalistic spirit by a mage you yourselves know.

BLAKE: [ **DROOLS]**

LADY: Centuries ago, the humans of these woods murdered Zathrian's children in an act of base cruelty, and in his rage and grief he bound a spirit to a great wolf, cursing them to… I'm sorry, are you listening? You seem a bit zoned out.

BLAKE: Oh. Um. [ **PAUSE, to consider a CHARMING RESPONSE.]** … How _you_ doin'?

LADY: … Right. Look. I get the sense you guys aren't _great_ at this, so I'll give you the cliffnotes version. Zathrian cursed the werewolves for something their ancestors did hundreds of years ago, and that's really unfair. I'm a pretty dryad, but I'm _also_ the wolf who caused the curse, and he sent you to kill me so he could cure just his people. But if you get him and bring him here, we work together to cure everyone. That will be the good ending to this quest.

BLAKE: Sure. And like, if you wanted to grab coffee or…

LELIANA: _A-HEM._

BLAKE: You can come too! You're hardened, right?

LELIANA: Oh, le shut up. [ **Drags BLAKE out of the ROOM by her EAR. On the way out of the TEMPLE, they encounter ZATHRIAN, in a rare case of the game being CONVENIENT and not making you WALK the whole way BACK.]**

ZATHRIAN: I _knew_ you would betray me!

BLAKE: What?

ZATHRIAN: Oh, I'm sorry. Were you about to tell me you killed all the werewolves and brought me the heart of the head wolf to undo the curse upon my people?

BLAKE: No, we-

ZATHRIAN: I _knew_ you would betray me!

ALISTAIR: Psssssssssssssssssssst. I think this one might be _the villain_.

DOG: [ **JUDGMENTALLY]** Woof.

BLAKE: Man, you can say that again.

DOG: [ **CONSPIRATORIALLY]** Woof.

BLAKE: Ha! Don't worry, I won't tell him. He wouldn't listen even if I did.

DOG: [ **MOCKINGLY] '** Woof woof, woof! Wooooof.'

BLAKE: HAHAHAHA! Oh Maker, he sounds _exactly_ like that! You are the _best_ at this. Do Sten next!

DOG: [ **STOICALLY] '** Woof.'

BLAKE: He _does_ like swords!

ZATHRIAN: [ **COUGHS POLITELY** ]

BLAKE: … Right, you were here. Um, come with us. We need to take you downstairs. The sexy naked forest nymph asked, and I make it a point to always do as asked by anyone who looks like a beautiful statue came to life. We're gonna cure everyone of your curse.

ZATHRIAN: We _absolutely_ are not. I made it very clear when I cast that curse it was to be _forever_ , i.e. for all of time. If I lower it, I don't my money's worth. Because that will be less than forever.

WYNNE: Excuse me, young man? Did you _sass_ me?

ZATHRIAN: What did you just say to me, human? I should…

WYNNE: _Did you. Just. Sass me?_

ZATHRIAN: [ **QUIETLY] …** No 'm.

WYNNE: And are you going to come downstairs with us?

ZATHRIAN: [ **QUIETLY] …** Don't wanna…

WYNNE: But you're _going_ to, or I shall be _very_ disappointed in you.

ZATHRIAN: [ **QUIETLY] …** Yes 'm.

WYNNE: And you're going to talk to your wolf-spirit in the form of an unclad young lady?

ZATHRIAN: [ **QUIETLY] …** Yes 'm.

[ **SCENE: Back DOWNSTAIRS. Yes, we have used TWO SCENE CHANGES to leave and re-enter the SAME ROOM.]**

LADY: Zathrian, my creator. I beg you, please save both your people and my own. Only you can, father, and together

LELIANA: I'm really glad we went for the good ending here.

ALISTAIR: Yeah. It makes me feel good that we saved everyone without a giant pointless fight.

WYNNE: It truly was a wonderful day.

LADY: Will you join me, and save everyone that together we might finally end our centuries of pain and let our peoples find peace?

ZATHRIAN: _BITCH DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO._

[ **ZATHRIAN waves his hands, instantly PARALYZING every werewolf in the room and the LADY OF THE FOREST while SIMULTANEOUSLY making a bunch of TREES come alive to KILL EVERYONE. Thank the LADY OF THE FOREST for living in the only UNDERGROUND CAVE full of TREES.]**

 **[BLAKE casts a meaningful glare at her own MAGES because none of them can do ANYTHING remotely that COOL.]**

MORRIGAN: … Stop judging me.

[ **SCENE: The same ROOM, only there are a bunch of BURNING TREE MEN and ZATHRIAN has LOOKED BETTER.]**

BLAKE: _You gonna lower the curse now?!_

ZATHRIAN: You seem mad.

BLAKE: _One of your tree monsters tore all the hair off the right side of my head._

ALISTAIR: I still love you.

LELIANA: Oui, it is a bold fashion statement!

BLAKE: _Hsssssssssssssssssssss._

ZATHRIAN: Um. All right, lowering the curse will actually kill me, but I think at this point that's the gentle option for me. So. Um, when you wanna…

BLAKE: _NOW._

ZATHRIAN: You know, when you get to the Deep Roads section, you're going to look back on this quest fondly, so…

BLAKE: _HSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS._

ZATHRIAN: Fine, fine! Lowering the curse, jeez.

ZEVRAN: On the plus side, _my_ hair is still amazing.

[ **Thank the MAKER for SMALL FAVORS.]**


	3. Chapter 3

_**Days of Our Dragon Age: Episode 39: A Love as Deep as a Deep Road**_

 **SCENE: CAMP, at HIGH NOON. It is NIGHT.**

BLAKE: [SADLY] Okay, everyone. We have recruited, to face the infinite hordes of the Darkspawn, a total of ten mages and forty elves. How many Darkspawn do we have to kill, again?

STEN: You just called them an infinite horde.

BLAKE: I was _hoping_ that I was _wrong_ , dammit.

ALISTAIR: I don't think you could ever be wrong, my sweet.

LELIANA: Want to get married?

BLAKE: I… wait, Alistair I expected, but Leliana, I thought we broke up, or…

LELIANA: I really liked something you said in the temple. It made us a couple again.

BLAKE: … … … Sure. Anyway, I'm going to come right out and say that maybe we need to improve the size of our forces. We are going to need to bolster our 'army' with an actual _army_. Now, where do you think we should go to seek this? I'm taking votes.

ALISTAIR: Arl Eam-

BLAKE: The Deep Roads it is! Let's go find some dwarves.

ALISTAIR: [POUTING] You said we were _voting._

BLAKE: We did. I just forgot to mention that I'm the only one who gets a vote, because I'm the leader. That's what we call 'democracy.'

MORRIGAN: I wish you were a man.

 **[The GROUP leaves camp, beginning the LONG HIKE to the entrance of ORZAMMAR, legendary city of the DWARVES. They make it THIRTY SECONDS.]**

DARKSPAWN EMISSARY: _RANDOM ENCOUNTER, BITCHES!_

ALISTAIR: Wow, the emissaries really _are_ smarter than normal darksp-

EMISSARY: _EMISSARY, ROCKIN' OUT THE FIREBALLS, YO! I AM THE FIRE OF PERDITION COME TO DEVOUR YOU! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH!_

[ **The EMISSARY, being MORE CLEVER than a normal DARKSPAWN, is able to launch a MAGICAL FIREBALL at the group while SIMULTANEOUSLY shredding out a ROCKING GUITAR SOLO. They really ARE quite INTELLIGENT.]**

EVERYONE: [IS ON FIRE]

WYNNE: [BEGINS TO GLOW] _I was secretly being kept alive by a magical spirit the whole time!_

[ **SPIRIT POWERS, on. ACTIVATE INTERLOCK, dynotherms CONNECTED, Infracells UP, Mega-thrusters are GO.]**

BLAKE: … So your dark secret was spirit powers that can enhance you for combat? _That_ was your dark secret?

WYNNE: Alas, for I am an abomination, animated only by a spirit who has chosen to grant me a tenuous grasp on-

BLAKE: _Awesome_. You're in the party forever.

WYNNE: You don't seem to be having the experience of deep religious terror I was expecting from this revelation. I'm _dead,_ you realize.

BLAKE: No, _those_ guys are dead. The creepy veiny faced ones, vaguely spawnlike? On the dark side? _You_ have superpowers. You're Spirit Woman. I would marry you if you weren't, you know...

MORRIGAN: Old? Decrepit? Wrinkled like a prune?

BLAKE: … I was going to say 'grandmotherly,' I swear.

MORRIGAN: Hideous?

BLAKE: Stop helping, please.

MORRIGAN: Ancient and corroded? Willfully ignorant of the world around her in favor of propagating a broken system?

WYNNE: I can't use my spirit powers very often. You can tell because Morrigan still has a face.

MORRIGAN: Smelling vaguely of mold?

BLAKE: She's gonna keep doing this for awhile. Let's just finish walking to Orzammar before we get another random encounter.

MORRIGAN: Oddly dry, as if made of sandpaper?

 **[SCENE: The FROSTBACK MOUNTAINS, on the trail to ORZAMMAR, realm of the DWARVES. Yes, the REALM OF THE DWARVES is ONE CITY, and it honestly isn't even a GREAT ONE. There is a lot of MAGMA and the DARKSPAWN are their next-door NEIGHBOR, but the DWARVES remain there because they believe LIVING ABOVE GROUND is INHERENTLY EVIL. Oh, there is TECHNICALLY another CITY but you'll never GO THERE and it's PROBABLY WORSE, for all we KNOW.]**

 **THIS is what is known as EXPOSITION intended to make sure that any READERS don't go into the coming segment with HIGH EXPECTATIONS.]**

BLAKE: Okay, so does anyone know where the door is? It seems like they should put up signs.

ALISTAIR: Oh, there's a sign. Next to those fine gentleman guarding the path.

[ **There are FIVE INDIVIDUALS on the path. Not ALL of them are GENTLEMEN, and none of them look particularly FINE. Some do NOT HAVE TEETH, and all are carrying some manner of SHARP IMPLEMENT. There are some BLOODSTAINS on the clothing, but that will probably not be IMPORTANT.]**

BOUNTY HUNTER: Hey. You Grey Wardens?

BLAKE: … No.

ALISTAIR: Hey, look. That sign says we're near Orzammar. That's important for Grey Wardens to visit! Like us!

BOUNTY HUNTER: *smile*

 **[The group CONTINUES THEIR TREK after wiping all of the BLOOD off of THEMSELVES. It is nearly HALF from other PEOPLE. Thankfully, WYNNE is here and she can RE-ATTACH LELIANA'S LIMBS. It's not HER FAULT that ARCHERY won't be good until the DLC.]**

BLAKE: So I think we need to make some new rules about Alistair and when he can talk. I nominate 'never.'

ALISTAIR: You have beautiful eyes.

LELIANA: I've always thought so!

ZEVRAN: Mrrrrrrrrrrow.

BLAKE: You know, I hear there's people out there who really like this much attention. Would it be possible for some of you to go out and latch on to them? I hear that Hawke could really use a friend or two. You guys need more friends, don't you?

[ **This is TRUE, but if HAWKE had FRIENDS then they would PROBABLY JUST DIE. Be super blunt with me here, did you really enjoy playing as HAWKE? Did you have a lot of FUN sorting out the MAGE-TEMPLAR CONFLICT? Of course you DIDN'T. Playing as HAWKE was an endless slog of PAIN AND DESPAIR as everything about their life SPIRALLED out of control and they slowly but surely LOST EVERYTHING and UTTERLY FAILED to prevent a WORLD WAR, then the THIRD GAME has some new guy SOLVE THE PROBLEM in like, an HOUR. Then HAWKE makes a CAMEO and has a 50% chance of DYING.]**

 **[Sorry, HAWKE. It's not your FAULT.]**

MORRIGAN: I don't have friends, myself.

[ **That pretty much IS her fault, though.]**

BLAKE: I believe that is literally true.

[ **IT IS.]**

[ **SCENE: ORZAMMAR. There is LAVA everywhere, but it is VIDEO GAME LAVA so it only hurts you if you TOUCH IT. The DWARVES are currently having a POLITICAL DEBATE.]**

DWARF A: I think Harrowmont sucks and Prince Bhelen should be king!

DWARF B: Well, I think Bhelen sucks and Lord Harrowmont should be king!

DWARF A: *MURDERS DWARF B IN THE STREETS*

BLAKE: _Holy crap!_

MORRIGAN: Finally, someone with a firm grasp of governance.

[ **We may need to consider the possibility that MORRIGAN is just an ODDLY TALL DWARF]**

DWARF GUARD: Hail, Warden. I understand you've come to us seeking our mighty dwarf army to help you face off against the terror of the Darkspawn Blight.

BLAKE: I… yes. Are you going to clean up the corpse, or…

DWARF GUARD: Alas, we cannot command our forces to march without the guidance of our king, and we have none.

BLAKE: There was a murder just now, so…

DWARF GUARD: If you seek the power of the dwarven army, you shall need to chose one of the leading candidates, Prince Bhelen, the sole surviving member of the royal family and you probably just shouldn't question why that is, or the old king's friend Lord Harrowmont who _seems_ like a great choice. Yes, he really _seems_ that way. He certainly does _seem to be_ the right choice. _Seeeeeeeeeeeems._ [ **WINKS a few times while DISCRETELY POINTING at GAMEFAQS.]**

BLAKE: This isn't going to be any fun, is it?

DWARF GUARD: That's basically our town motto.

LELIANA: I question if ze dwarf army is even worz it, everyone. Perhaps we should just go focus on ze Arl Eamon and let zem sort zis all out for zemselves.

ALISTAIR: _Yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss…_

STEN: I feel they could not possibly be worse than the elf army, if this helps in making our choice.

MORRIGAN: I want to do whatever Alistair doesn't want to do.

WYNNE: Now, now, children. We need as many soldiers as we can get to face the Blight. We'll just have to pick one of the candidates and support his claim to the throne. I'm sure we can use our finely tuned moral compasses to determine which is the correct option. We are, after all, purely noble heroes without any factors that might render our judgments suspect.

MORRIGAN: Aren't you possessed by an extradimensional entity that could be altering your thoughts in any number of ways, potentially without you even knowing?

WYNNE: Aren't you overdue to shut up?

[ **With their COURSE DECIDED, the group decides to interview both CANDIDATES to determine which is the CORRECT MORAL OPTION.]**

[ **SCENE: PRINCE BHELEN's home, the PALACE.]**

BHELEN: Greetings. Welcome to my home, Grey Warden. I am a sleazy amoral murderer that is directly or indirectly responsible for the deaths of my entire family, and I'm going to be asking you to break pretty much every one of the like, six laws that we dwarves even have. Want to be friends?

WYNNE: … … … … … ... …

BLAKE: Whoa. Um. We'll, uh… we'll consider it. [ **WHISPERED** ] Let's get the Hell out of here.

[ **SCENE: LORD HARROWMONT'S estate.]**

LORD HARROWMONT: *Pets a puppy* Greetings, my new Warden friends. I am kindly old uncle Harrowmont. Would you like a Werther's candy?

BLAKE: You seem much nicer than your opposition.

ALISTAIR: *Eats a Werther's candy*

LELIANA: I feel safe and warm.

HARROWMONT: Why, thank you, children. Yes, I am much nicer than Prince Bhelen. He is cold and cruel, while I am kind and respectful to all those who help me. I certainly _SEEM_ like the correct choice. [ **PAUSES, and gestures at the player's INTERNET BROWSER while COUGHING.]** That is most _definitely_ how I _SEEM. You would definitely THINK that I am the morally obvious correct choice. I SEEM THAT WAY. SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEM._

BLAKE: Okay, everyone. We have a choice, here. Who do we want to pick?

BHELEN: *Eats a baby.*

HARROWMONT: *Rocks in his ol' rocking chair on the front porch, pouring lemonade for all the local kids.*

BLAKE: I think the choice is obvious. So. Bhelen it is, then!

MORRIGAN: You looked that up on the internet.

BLAKE: … … Verily, I knowest not of what thou speakest, fair Morrigan. Internet? Be this some magely conjuring of thine…

MORRIGAN: You _did._ Don't even _bother_ pretending we have a fourth wall anymore. You looked up the ending on the internet.

BLAKE: Okay, _fine_. Look, it's not my fault. _You_ try avoiding spoilers for an eight year old game, see how well _you_ do.

MORRIGAN: You know, if you already know everything that's going to happen, I'm not even sure why I'm bothering to keep my _dark secret._

[ **DRAMATIC ORGAN PLAYS]**

BLAKE: You know, I legit thought we were done with that gag.

MORRIGAN: Do _not_ change the subject! I'm a major plot character and my arc is crucial to the central twists of the endgame, and you're just spitting all over that. I thought we had a connection, you know? I thought 'here is someone as generally unpleasant as me, who hates Alistair, and enjoys power and murder.' I thought we could be friends, you know? But now I find out you've not even the slightest concern for maintaining secrecy regarding story structure, and-

STEN: [ **Hits MORRIGAN in the back of the head with a ROCK.]**

BLAKE: Thanks, man, that was seriously getting awkward. Chicks, am I right?

LELIANA: Is that remark sexist if you _are_ a woman?

BLAKE: I'm choosing to say 'no.'

 **SCENE: PRINCE BHELEN'S PALACE OF DESPAIR, int.**

BHELEN: Fantastic, I knew you would see reason and choose the obviously correct choice for Orzammar which is foreshadowed believably.

MORRIGAN: I have _such_ a headache. And I have no memory of the last six hours. Why is everyone here so short? It sickens me.

BLAKE: Just ignore her, prince sir. She's silly.

MORRIGAN: This one sickens me most of all. The eyes of a _rat,_ he has.

BHELEN: I would normally object to that, but I'm going to be sending you to kill the dwarf mafia now, so honestly that's punishment enough.

BLAKE: … When you say 'kill the mafia'…

BHELEN: Yes, the whole thing.

DOG: Bark, bark!

BLAKE: I'm not going to translate that because it isn't fit for polite company, but Dog doesn't like you any more than Morrigan does.

MORRIGAN: I hate all short people. And farmers. And anyone named 'Casper.'

BLAKE: Also, Wynne, I think she has a concussion, could you fix that?

WYNNE: Eh.

[ **SCENE: The hideout of the DWARF MAFIA, int. int. It is a CAVE inside a CITY inside a CAVE, so I think it deserves two 'int.']**

JARVIA: Hello there, _Warden._ I am Jarvia, head of the Dwarf Mafia, which someone _really_ should have called by its proper name by now, but we _won't._ If you know what it is off the top of your head, good job on paying attention. I mean, there won't be a quiz or anything, but still, good work.

BLAKE: Nothing personal, but I have to stab you a few times because I need an army. And since we're the heroes and you're a glorified sneak thief, that's gonna be fun for everyone.

[ **BLAKE takes ONE STEP forward.]**

SIX THOUSAND TRAPS: [ALL GO OFF AT ONCE]

 **[SCENE: BHELEN'S PALACE OF ETERNAL DESPAIR, int.]**

BHELEN: So how was Jarvia?

BLAKE: [ **STILL ON FIRE]** Fuck you.

BHELEN: Awesome. Now, as it turns out, that was actually a waste of time. We really just need a Paragon to approve me.

ALISTAIR: What's that?

BHELEN: When a dwarf does something which gives _great aid_ to their people,that they will be remembered by our people forever, they are labeled as a _Paragon;_ a living ancestor… nay, a living _god._ The word of a Paragon could make a king, for a Paragon is _beyond_ a king. They are beyond us _all._ The living expression of Dwarfkind's greatest qualities. And we have discovered one… _may still live among us._ Paragon Branka, the greatest living dwarf of our time!

ALISTAIR: Ooooooh. What did she do?

BHELEN: She… invented a kind of clean-burning coal.

LELIANA: Zat… is it?

BHELEN: Yup. Canon.

BLAKE: And you made her a god for that?

WYNNE: I try not to judge foreign religions, but my word that seems a bit extreme.

STEN: My religion lobotomizes non-believers who refuse to conform.

WYNNE: … Okay. Well, it's not as extreme as _that_.

BHELEN: I said it gave great aid to the dwarf people, not _interesting_ aid. Now go out into the Deep Roads and find Branka. She wandered off a few years ago and it's a maze of death that spans the entire country, but I'm sure you'll find her in a few hours.

ALISTAIR: If I could be a paragon, I'd like it to be for inventing a new kind of cheese.

BHELEN: Starting to question my choices in hiring you people, not gonna lie.

 **[SCENE: The DEEP ROADS. Pretty much all of the DEEP ROADS look the same, so it really could be ANYWHERE IN THEM.]**

BLAKE: I feel like we're missing something…

MORRIGAN: A map?

STEN: A guide?

ALISTAIR: You look great in that outfit.

LELIANA: Oui, mon cherie.

BLAKE: … … … … Okay, this isn't the time and you creep me out a little, but it's _so_ hot when you speak Orlesian to me, baby.

ALISTAIR: Thank you! I don't even realize when I'm doing it, apparently.

BLAKE: [ **SOBS for a bit.]**

THE SMELL OF WHISKEY GIVEN FORM: Heya. You guys all ran out inta the Deep Roads and forgot to talk to me.

BLAKE: Oh, who the Hell are _you_ now? And you had _better not_ be a party member because I have quite enough of _those._

A BEARD ATTACHED TO A KEG: Oh, I'm a party member. I'm the _best_ party member. I'm here to get drunk, sexually harass everyone, and _smell weird._ I'm so goddamn manly you could use my blood ta give women sex changes.

ALISTAIR: Sexually harass everyone? I thought that was Zevran's job.

ZEVRAN: It isn't sexual harassment if they love it, baby.

LIKE A DWARF, ONLY MORE ALCOHOLIC: And they _never_ love it with me. I _confuse and terrify_ people. I. Am. _OGHREN._

[ **THE LIGHT OF HEAVEN shines down, illuminating OGHREN, the party member you will LAUGH AT THE MOST. MAYBE. If you like DRUNK DWARVES.]**

BLAKE: So… um… nice to meet you?

OGHREN: Nice tits, babe.

BLAKE: … I'mma kill him.

OGHREN: Wasn't talking to you. I meant the one with no shirt.

MORRIGAN: … I'mma kill him.

OGHREN: The Ogh-man's still got it.

ALISTAIR: By 'it', do you mean, 'the ability to make women furious?'

OGHREN: Why do you think Branka ran out into the middle of the monster-infested death caverns with her entire family? She was married to _me._

WYNNE: Ah. _Ah._ Okay, I would have left society forever if you were my husband, I have to admit.

LELIANA: I would have left society _twice_. Once for ze personality, and once for ze smell.

BLAKE: And her ex-girlfriend is a sociopathic murderer, so if even she finds you repulsive, you _know_ you're repulsive.

LELIANA: How long are you going to 'ang zat over my 'ead? Honestly, you date _one_ sociopazic murderer, an' everyone judges vous forever.

OGHREN: I think I'm gonna like hanging out with you people. You're the same kind of chaotic mess I am, only sober.

BLAKE: I never said you could join us.

 **[OGHREN has joined the PARTY.]**

BLAKE: Oh, right, I forgot. I have no control over my own life.

ALISTAIR: I think that's your best quality.

LELIANA: After your wonderful hair.

MORRIGAN: I don't know if I'd call it a quality, but it certainly makes my job a lot easier. [ **PAUSES]** Not that I have a specific goal in the group or anything.

OGHREN: Does anyone have some beer?

 **[SCENE: The DEEP ROADS. Only EVEN DEEPER.]**

OGHREN: Now, Branka took our entire clan and left me, and only me, behind, so I've been working on a way to find her so we can be a couple again.

LELIANA: You didn't take zis abandonment as a hint regarding her feelings for you? You must learn to recognize your love's moods, you know.

BLAKE: That's rich, coming from you.

ALISTAIR: Yeah, Leliana! You really need to learn to take a hint when Blake just _isn't interested_.

BLAKE: [ **QUIET SOBS]**

ALISTAIR: Now look, you made her cry.

OGHREN: Whoa. I knocked back a literal gallon of vodka before I found you guys, and somehow I'm _not_ the dumbest one in the party. Anyone think that's a little weird?

STEN: If you remain in the group for long enough, you learn to not notice it. It is like a poison which causes numbness before it inevitably kills us.

OGHREN: Neat, that's what I drink on Thursdays, ta get me ready for the hard stuff on Friday night. Anyhoo, I know that Branka started off by going to the legendary Ortan Thaig, which is dwarven for 'hideous poison spider ghost hellhole.'

WYNNE: Such a beautiful language.

BLAKE: Okay, that doesn't sound particularly nice, but if a whole army of dwarves already marched through it, I suspect we'll be fine. I mean, they had to have already killed most of the monsters and-

[ **A SPIDER the size of a MINIVAN falls from the ceiling and tackles BLAKE to the ground, savaging her face with its POISON FANGS.]**

CORRUPTED SPIDER QUEEN: Hssssssssssss!*

[* **TRANSLATED FROM SPIDERESE: My favorite food, people who wander too close to annoying boss fights!]**

BLAKE: KILLITKILLITKILLITKILLITKILLITKILLITKILLITKILLITKILLITKILLITKILLITKILLITKILLITKILLITKILLITKILLIT-

WYNNE: [ **Releases the long-suffering SIGH of one who is never going to have an HOUR OF FREE TIME for the rest of her LIFE.]**

[ **SCENE: The DEEP ROADS. STILL.]**

BLAKE: *Twitches*

ALISTAIR: Erm… honey? Are you-

BLAKE: _THERE WAS A SPIDER ON MY FACE. IT WAS LARGER THAN AVERAGE._

ALISTAIR: I'll, erm, give you some time alone.

BLAKE: _I CUT OFF ITS HEAD. I SHALL WEAR IT AS A HAT NOW, TO OVERCOME PERSONAL TRAUMA AND BE A BETTER PERSON._

LELIANA: *whispered* B-but she doesn't _have_ the….

WYNNE: I don't think you should mention that to her. This is my professional opinion as a psychiatrist.

ZEVRAN: _Are_ you a psychiatrist?

WYNNE: I don't really need to be to analyze this one.

ZEVRAN: Fair.

OGHREN: Look on the bright side! I think we're pretty much past the worst part of the Deep Roads. Smooth sailin' from here, until we find Branka and everything's great.

[ **The group turns a CORNER, to find the corridors are suddenly lined with a layer of DISGUSTING FLESH that PULSATES WITH INNER CORRUPTION. It smells of ROTTING MEAT and drips VILE OOZE that steams in the DIM LIGHT of torches that use the FAT of SENTIENT BEINGS as their UNHOLY FUEL. In a ravine below, a HORDE OF DARKSPAWN march toward the SURFACE, bringing with them DISEASE, WAR, AND DEATH. The ARCHDEMON, a dragon of unstoppable power warped by BLIGHT into a TWISTED WINGED NIGHTMARE** **flies overhead, BLACK FLAME flickering around its RAZOR-EDGED MAW.]**

 **[SCENE: The Dead Trenches.]**

OGHREN: See? It _must_ be a nice place. All those guys like it, an' they can't _all_ be wrong.

EVERYONE ELSE: [ **SILENCE]**

OGHREN: *belches*

BLAKE: All right, I'm feeling better about spiders, because I have this deep-seated fear popping up that something way worse is about to happen. Anyone else getting the feeling something way worse is about to happen?

ZEVRAN: I genuinely wonder if it _could_ get worse than what we have already seen.

[ **HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh, wow. Oh, wow, it CAN. Like, holy crap. I can't even.]**

OGHREN: Does anyone have a sandwich? I've been hammering down vodka for like six hours. I could use a snack.

ZEVRAN: You genuinely worry me.

[ **SCENE: DEEPER in the DEAD TRENCHES which are DEEP in the DEEP ROADS, DEEP. DEEP.]**

BLAKE: All right, I think at this point our best option is to not do _anything_ , ever, for any reason. Any door we open will have something awful behind it, so we just won't open any doors.

ZEVRAN: What if need to open a door to keep going?

BLAKE: Then we stand next to it until we die of old age. Because we can never, ever, open it. Because what's behind it will be _terrible_. Look at this place. Everything about it is terrible. Everything we _find_ will be terrible. Everything. Is. Terrible.

ALISTAIR: Honey, you've had a bad day, and you have some spider venom in your brain. You're not thinking clearly. Surely not _every_ path can lead to something awful!

[ **ALISTAIR opens the first DOOR he finds. Behind is an ANCIENT DARKSPAWN FORGE, surrounded by a small ARMY of the BLOODTHIRSTY BEASTS, at the head a HIDEOUSLY WIZENED and yet TERRIFYINGLY MUSCLED ancient beast, a LEGENDARY BLADE snapped off in its hide from one of many HEROES who have FALLEN BEFORE IT.]**

 **[ALISTAIR closes the DOOR.]**

ALISTAIR: Admittedly a bad example.

ZEVRAN: So cute, yet so dumb.

ALISTAIR: What?

ZEVRAN: What?

LELIANA: Let us try zis door!

[ **LELIANA opens another door. Behind is it is an ANCIENT CRYPT, carved from OBSIDIAN and swirling with the SOULS OF THE DAMNED. The GHOSTS of FALLEN DWARVES, their DARK AURA repelling even the DARKSPAWN, patrol their crypt, ready to SLAUGHTER ANY LIVING THING.]**

 **[LELIANA closes the DOOR.]**

BLAKE: 'Cute but dumb' is a recurring theme around here, eh?

LELIANA: You realize zat I know you are insulting me?

BLAKE: It's okay, you'll forgive me when I give you a present and say you have nice hair.

LELIANA: I cannot argue with zis.

MORRIGAN: This is amusing. Can I open a door next?

BLAKE: No!

[ **MORRIGAN does not LISTEN. Behind the door is a DWARVEN WOMAN; her eyes are coated in CATARACTS and EMPTY of all HOPE, her clothes torn, her skin COATED in FILTH and hideous BLACK LESIONS, as if she was ROTTING FROM WITHIN. Under her breath, she repeats a terrifying rhyme about the HORRIBLE DEATHS of all her friends and loved ones.]**

MORRIGAN: Ooooh, this is the most fascinating door yet.

BLAKE: … … … What is _wrong_ with you.

HORRIFYING DWARF WOMAN: [ **I… will refrain from repeating the POEM here because if you ever played the GAME, you have heard it for years in your NIGHTMARES. Suffice to say: NEVER EVER BE CAUGHT BY DARKSPAWN.]**

OGHREN: Hespith? Damn, you've… looked better.

HESPITH: I have been systematically tortured and fed the bloody flesh of my kinsmen for days on end.

OGHREN: Maybe need a bath or somethin'.

HESPITH: Life is over. There is no hope. I seek only oblivion now.

OGHREN: I… shit, does anyone have a beer or somethin' for her? I drank all mine on the way here to prep me for drinking when we get home to celebrate saving Branka and the clan.

HESPITH: She betrayed us, feeding her entire clan to the Darkspawn. The men are dead. The women are worst. I am the only survivor… … … no. No, I did not survive. My heart still beats, but I am dead. Branka is dead, for there is nothing inside her now but madness and obsession. House Branka is dead.

OGHREN: Erm… I'm still okay?

HESPITH: [ **SQUINTS]** … Oh sweet ancestors, it's _Oghren._ I thought I was hallucinating, but the smell of it is worse even than this pit of horrors. Like rotting cheese and a skunk had a baby.

OGHREN: Nice to see you too. How ya doin'?

HESPITH: I thought I was in Hell before, but fate cannot help but drag me that tiny bit lower.

OGHREN: Yeah, running out of beer will do that. So, uh, how is Branka doing? I mean, other than… leaving you to die.

HESPITH: You are familiar with the Anvil of the Void? The legendary tool that allows dwarves to create golems?

OGHREN: I am, and not just because you summarized it right there.

BLAKE: Thanks for doing that, by the way.

HESPITH: You're welcome. Well, in any case, Branka quite wants it. And she decided everyone else in the world was holding her back.

OGHREN: Even me?

HESPITH: _Especially_ you. Also, I've been sleeping with her. For years. Before, during, and after your marriage. You are a cuckold.

OGHREN: … … ... _Why_ would you mention that?

HESPITH: It is literally the only small joy I have left in my existence.

BLAKE: I wish I had met you earlier. I think you and I would have gotten along before you were like… mentally and physically destroyed.

ALISTAIR: She's right, you know. Oghren _does_ smell like skunk cheese.

LELIANA: I vould have zaid 'badger garbage,' but I accept many viewpoints.

MORRIGAN: Truly, dwarfland is a wonderful place. I may retire here one day, when my plans have come to fruition. [ **PAUSE]** Not that I have any plans.

[ **NOT seeing any real evidence against that 'TALL DWARF' theory. If she starts MINING we can pretty much CONFIRM it.]**

HESPITH: Well. You people certainly are… special. Let me tell you a fun secret. The way out of the Dead Trenches to where Branka has gone is through the door down this hallway. Have _fun._

BLAKE: Is the secret _really_ fun?

HESPITH: [ **RESUMES saying her CREEPY RHYME.]**

BLAKE: Okay, I'm choosing to stay optimistic about the secret. We don't know for _sure_ it won't be fun.

[ **SCENE: Through the DOOR, in a room that looks like the WOMB in which is gestating the baby of SATAN and HITLER.]**

BROODMOTHER, HIDEOUSLY BLOATED, PALLID, DEFORMED TENTACLE BEAST FROM THE PITS OF HELL: Hrrrrrrrsssssssss!

BLAKE: _WHY DOES IT HAVE BOOBS?!_

ALISTAIR: _I'M NOT HAVING FUN!_

LELIANA: _OH GOD THE SMELL IS SO AWFUL I CAN FEEL IT IN MY MOUTH!_

ZEVRAN: _THE VERY CONCEPT OF SEX HAS BECOME DISGUSTING TO ME!_

MORRIGAN: Ooooh, fascinating.

STEN: If you ever wondered why I don't talk much? This would be why. Moments like this.

DOG: Bark, bark!

STEN: You're the only one of these people I can respect.

BROODMOTHER, THE NIGHTMARE OF SIGMUND FREUD AFTER A WEEK-LONG TRIP THROUGH THE PORN DISTRICTS OF JAPAN: [ **GIVES birth to a THOUSAND ANGRY YOUNG, who charge at the party, screaming and coated in VILE BLACK OOZE.]**

BLAKE: [ **Throws up.]**

OGHREN: Either I'm drunk, or that lady just spat a buncha darkspawn out of her-

BLAKE: _YOU'RE DRUNK_ _ **AND**_ _THAT HAPPENED._

OHGREN: Damn. That's like, 50% bad.

WYNNE: [ **Just SIGHS and starts casting the HEALING SPELLS. ALISTAIR is already being CHEWED ON.]**

 **[SCENE: Still in the DEEP ROADS, and interlocking WEB of tunnels that nonetheless still only have ONE ROUTE to FOLLOW.]**

BLAKE: [ **CLEANING something off her FACE that one probably shouldn't THINK ABOUT too hard.]** All right. All right. All right. We are sure the thing is dead, yes? We are sure? Because we'll have to come back this way and I wanna _know_. I never, _ever_ want to see another of those again. _Ever._

[ **Hahaha… yeah, ABOUT THAT.]**

BLAKE: You stay _out_ of this. Sten, did you _perform the operation?_

STEN: [ **Holds up BROODMOTHER'S disgusting head.]** I'm not sure why I'm the one who has to carry this.

BLAKE: Because you're the biggest. You have the most meat to get through if it comes alive and starts trying to eat people.

STEN: I have grown to hate you.

BLAKE: Don't be uncool about this, Sten. I'll reward you. Two extra portions of gruel for you at the camp this evening.

ALISTAIR: We have other food, you know. You don't have to feed us gruel all the time.

BLAKE: And you don't have to _talk,_ but that's never stopped you.

MORRIGAN: [ **SIGHS WISTFULLY.]** Have I ever told you that I'd ride you like a stallion if you were a guy?

BLAKE: You have, and it never stops being off-putting.

MORRIGAN: You know it, tiger.

BLAKE: You know, the only reason I'm even still sane is that we have just been through a ridiculous mess that was longer than the stupid elf forest and the stupid wizard tower combined. So I know we're done. Okay? This has to be the end.

[ **Because BLAKE still has not learned to TEMPT FATE for some reason, a DWARF appears on the rocky cliffs above them, looking down, even as a huge metal gate SLAMS SHUT behind the party.]**

CUCKOO FOR COCOA PUFFS: Done? Fools! _You have an entire dungeon left, bwahahahahahahaha!_

OGHREN: Honey bear!

WACK-A-DOODLE DANDY: Eh? Who are you?

OGHREN: It's me! Oghren!

ONE PICKAXE SHORT OF A DWARF MINE: Who?

OGHREN: … Your husband? You… we were married for years?

LOONEY TUNES, WELCOME TO THE SPACE JAM: Gonna have to be more specific. I used to have a lot of relatives, before I fed them all to the darkspawn to further my _insane goals._ They all kind of blend together in the razor-filled soup that is my mind.[ **PAUSES.]** Bwahahahahahahaha!

OGHREN: *sigh* Everyone, this is Branka.

BLAKE: [ **BLINKS a few times.]** So, hey, Leliana, you may have just graduated to having the second-worst ex out of anyone in the party. Congrats.

LELIANA: Ze trick is to shine by comparison.

BRANKA: None may shine but Branka! Am I not the greatest of all dwarves? Did I not come up with the _brilliant plan_ to find the Anvil of the Void by opening the door and letting infinite darkspawn funnel in until the traps in front of it just stop working from getting too much blood in them? Did I not abandon all of my friends and family to a fate worse than death, letting them be defiled and mutated into hideous bloated monsters, in order to _ensure_ this supply?

[ **SILENCE.]**

BLAKE: I… um… holy shit, did you?

BRANKA: _I did!_

BLAKE: Sweet Andraste's ass. Leliana, the ambiguity is gone. You win. You win forever. I miss Marjolaine. I would pay literal money to have Marjolaine standing here in front of us right now.

LELIANA: [ **Grins SMUGLY.]**

STEN: I do believe we have met a leader worse than our own. I had considered this to be nearly impossible. But the world is a strange and many-faceted place, full of new experiences and diverse peoples. [ **PAUSE.]** I look forward to the day my people conquer and destroy it all.

BLAKE: Hey. Eat a dick, buddy.

STEN: I am not hungry.

BRANKA: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You'll need to find your way through all the traps and reach the Anvil of the Void to escape this terrible dungeon, you fools! **[PAUSE]** _BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!_

MORRIGAN: I actually forgot she was here. Do you suppose we should proceed forward? I should like to have this Anvil for my own use, of course, but honestly more than anything I suspect we'll need to kill that one at the end of this whole mess, and I deeply wish to.

OGHREN: We're not killing her, crazy-tits! She's my wife!

MORRIGAN: You saying that only makes me want to kill her more.

WYNNE: Sweet Andraste, I think I actually semi-agree with Morrigan.

MORRIGAN: That's _weird_.

BRANKA: _BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!_

MORRIGAN **:** Though also, in this one case, understandable.

BLAKE: Wow. I… this might be the first time we've all agreed on something. Branka is annoying enough to kill. Unanimous vote?

OGHREN: _I said no!_

BLAKE: Unanimous it is.

[ **SCENE: A cave that looks pretty much like EVERY cave. The DEEP ROADS are so INTERESTING.]**

BLAKE: All right. She said there would be traps, so we can assume things are going to be troublesome here.

LELIANA: But my love, we 'ave me 'ere to disarm all ze traps we might see.

BLAKE: _Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! Y-you're gonna disarm the trapsHAHAHAHAHAHA!_

LELIANA: Zis makes you happy, I see.

BLAKE: [ **WIPES AWAY a tear of mirth.]** S-sure. That's why I was laughing. I can't think of any other reason I might be laughing. It's not as though every single trap we've ever encountered in this entire game has exploded in our faces because you don't notice them until we're already standing in them half the time. I'd never think such things.

LELIANA: I know vous would not. Now, as my approval has hit ze high 70's and we 'ave done my sidequest, let us make passionate love when next we return to camp.

BLAKE: … … … Sometimes you people being dumbasses works out for me.

ALISTAIR: I love you too, dear.

[ **BLAKE reaches out and pushes ALISTAIR one step FORWARD, setting off a HORRIBLE TRAP.]**

LELIANA: **[OBSERVING THIS]** Trap, right ahead!

 **[The HALLWAY fills with POISONOUS GAS, causing ALISTAIR to fall to his knees and begin CHOKING to DEATH. Even as this occurs, GOLEMS wake up on either side of the HALLWAY, preparing to PULVERIZE him.]**

MORRIGAN: 'Tis like every birthday present my mother never bothered to give me because birthdays are for the weak, delivered to me all at once.

WYNNE: [ **NARROWS EYES.]** You people just delight in making my job harder, don't you? You kill Alistair all you want, and then _I_ have to heal him. You think that's easy? Or fun? I would like to have time to read a nice book from time to time, not just put everyone's kidneys back in their bodies.

ALISTAIR: _Sweet Andraste my kidneys! They're out of my body, because of the golems!_

WYNNE: You're being quite inconvenient, young man!

[ **SCENE: The NEXT HALLWAY.]**

BLAKE: Okay. Everyone, this hallways seems much nicer than the first one. I suspect it to be a, you know, breather after the first hallway. I think that one of you should get to lead the way, and really _enjoy_ it.

STEN: I can see the golems standing there. On the sides.

BLAKE: No, you don't.

STEN: Yes, I do. I see them.

BLAKE: They might not be golems. They might just be statues.

STEN: They look exactly like the other golems, from the first hallway. Whoever goes first will clearly be beaten horribly by them.

BLAKE: We don't know that. And I think it's worth sending in Oghren in first to check.

STEN: Oh. I didn't realize you were building to that. Yes, then, I agree.

OGHREN: The hell, you guys?!

DOG: Woof, woof!

OGHREN: _Thank_ you.

BLAKE: He was actually saying that your smell sickens him and he hopes your death removes it from the world.

OGHREN: … Yer dog's a jerk.

BLAKE: [ **Reaches out a HAND, and shoves OGHREN one step FORWARD.]**

 **[NOTHING happens.]**

OGHREN: … … Huh. Maybe this hallway actually _was_ a breather. I mean, nothing seems to be…

[ **GIANT RAZOR-EDGED BUZZSAWS erupt from the floor and ceiling, burying OGHREN in a STORM of BLADES.]**

MORRIGAN: Whoever designed this place has a very interesting sense of humor. I wonder if they design swamp cottages? I really was looking to trade up.

BLAKE: On the plus side, the golems don't seem to have woken… oh, never mind, there they do.

OGHREN: _Oh ancestors, my kidneys!_

LELIANA: Trap, right ahead!

 **[SCENE: The FINAL puzzle room. It is a large, open chamber, with a large FOUR-FACED STATUE in the middle surrounded by ANVILS.]**

BLAKE: Okay, so _this_ chamber is probably the breather one. Zevran, you go first!

ZEVRAN: I thought you _liked_ me.

BLAKE: I'm running low on sacrificial lambs.

ZEVRAN: Send Morrigan!

BLAKE: She's scarier than you.

MORRIGAN: It's true!

ZEVRAN: [ **Sighs DEEPLY and steps FORWARD.]**

STATUE: [ **Comes ALIVE and begins spawning an ARMY OF GHOSTS.]**

ZEVRAN: Oh, that isn't so bad. At least no poison gas or razor blades hit me.

ALISTAIR: Screw you.

OGHREN: Seriously.

[ **What FOLLOWS is what is known in video-game parlance as a PUZZLE BOSS. In this particular case, the HEROES must destroy the GHOSTS, which causes an ANVIL to activate. Then you ACTIVATE the anvil to attack the MAIN STATUE. This sounds kind of INTERESTING.]**

 **[It is NOT.]**

ZEVRAN: *Yawn*

MORRIGAN: Oh my non-existent Maker, these things are so tedious. We've turned on these damnable anvils five times already and it's just won't _end_.

BLAKE: I think it's just three more, guys. Come on, this is clearly meant to be the puzzle that makes people stop coming for the Anvil of the Void because they get bored and go grab lunch instead. We just have to power through it.

WYNNE: I could do without the statue shooting just enough damage to be annoying but not enough to kill anyone.

BLAKE: We could all do without that, Wynne, but you don't see us whining about it.

LELIANA: Vould anyone like to take a break for lunch? We 'ave been in ze Deep Roads for a long time, and zis stupid boss…

BLAKE: No! Look, we have to be near the end. I know it's tedious, but we _gotta_ get this done, and then we go back to the surface and never, ever come back.

ALISTAIR: Who would possibly be cruel enough to design this place?

[ **SCENE: BIOWARE OFFICES.]**

PROGRAMMER: Hey, Bob. We have all the major quests for Dragon Age: Origins ready except the two you were supposed to design. Do you happen to have them set?

RAOUL: [ **Twists his SINISTER MOUSTACHE while looking with GLEE at the completed maps for the DEEP ROADS and the CIRCLE TOWER. They take up his ENTIRE DESK and most of the one NEXT to it.]** Yes… yesssssssssssss…. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

PROGRAMMER: You've been weird ever since you grew that moustache, Bob.

[ **SCENE: The ANVIL OF THE VOID. The great device itself gleams with flame; and who can say whether this is the POWER within it, or merely the UNTOLD MAJESTY of the lava fields it OVERLOOKS? Standing before it is the most ORNATE and POWERFUL of all golems, forged not from STONE but from interlocking, rune-covered STEEL PLATES. It gives off an aura of quiet power and DIGNITY.]**

BLAKE: You can go to Hell and die, jackass.

GOLEM: … Excuse me?

BLAKE: Oh. OH! I'm sorry. I thought you were going to be another goddamn boss fight. Just that we've gone through like six at this point.

GOLEM: Oh. Right, you must be the ones I heard fighting the four-faced statue. Did you have fun?

BLAKE: …

MORRIGAN: I'm going to kill it and make a cooking pot of its skull.

ZEVRAN: I shall cook delightful Antivan dishes in it.

DOG: Bark, _bark._

BLAKE: You don't want to know what _he_ said. And now, let's all kill this thing.

GOLEM: Wait, wait. I would like to offer you an alternative path. You see, I may look like a giant metal golem, but I am actually Caridin, the original creator of this mighty anvil you see before you.

BLAKE: Huh. Interesting. I'm sorry I called you a thing, then. Kill this _guy_ , everyone.

CARIDIN: Would you _please_ stop.

BLAKE: Sorry, I'm in a bad mood. I'll allow you to talk.

MORRIGAN: But my cooking pot!

BLAKE: I will _buy_ you a cooking pot.

MORRIGAN: You never let me have anything I want.

BLAKE: We would get you things that you want, but you always want evil! Caridin, just ignore her, she's the evil one.

CARIDIN: I'm actually getting the impression most of you are pretty evil.

BLAKE: Leliana and Wynne are nice.

ALISTAIR: What about me?

BLAKE: You don't count, because to be 'good' you have to be smart enough to have some general idea of what is going on around you in the universe. Much like a goldfish isn't good or evil, you aren't.

ALISTAIR: I love you too, dear.

CARIDIN: … Sure. Anyway, what I was going to say here, is that you should actually destroy this Anvil. Because you see, Golems are _people._

BLAKE: Oh. Um. I should probably mention we killed like twelve on our way here.

CARIDIN: I… oh, shit. Was one of those Jeff? Because Jeff owed me twenty silver.

ALISTAIR: How would we know?

CARIDIN: He was made of stone.

LELIANA: Zat narrows it down very little. Also, how are ze golems made of ze people? I 'ave seen zem, and zey are in fact made of ze stone, or in vous case ze metal.

CARIDIN: … What even _is_ your accent?

BLAKE: Hey! We've already been over that. It doesn't need to make sense. Tell us the story of your stupid past and don't lead us off on any tangents, or we'll be on it for another damn hour.

ALISTAIR: Hey, have you guys ever thought about _pudding_?

BLAKE: _NO TANGENTS._

CARIDIN: Well. The way I discovered to make golems was to shove a person into a giant rock suit, and then pour molten hot magic rocks on them. But it wasn't until they made _me_ a golem that I realized: this was _bad_.

BLAKE: ….

LELIANA: ….

WYNNE: ….

MORRIGAN: I don't see the issue.

BLAKE: Morrigan! Stop helping!

WYNNE: You truly didn't see the issue with pouring molten rock on your people, sir golem-dwarf?

CARIDIN: Well, they were poor.

MORRIGAN: Makes perfect sense to me!

ZEVRAN: You _terrify_ me. And I am an assassin.

STEN: In my country, we would have cut his eyes out and sewn his mouth shut.

ZEVRAN: Erm… as punishment for… mutilating thousands of his own people?

STEN: No, we just do that to anyone who uses magic. As is right and proper.

ZEVRAN: I… am an assassin. And I am not the scariest person on this team. I… how did this happen? I mean, I still have my position as the sexy one, but still.

BLAKE: Oh, whatever. You know what? I don't even care. Let's just break this thing and go home, it's not like we actually like Bhelen. No need for another stupid boss fight.

BRANKA: _DID SOMEONE ORDER ANOTHER STUPID BOSS FIGHT?!_

BLAKE: [ **Kind of TWITCHES.]**

 **[SCENE: ORZAMMAR, about a MONTH LATER. The team WANDERS into the CITY, because to WALK into a city you need to have some DIGNITY REMAINING. NOBODY looks very HAPPY, nobody is TALKING, and BLAKE still has a bit of BRANKA on her.]**

OGHREN: …. Did ya really have to cut off her…

BLAKE: _I SWEAR I WILL EAT YOUR HEART._

STEN: She may in fact do it. Her mind is unstable. [ **PAUSES]** More than the rest of you, I mean.

LELIANA: Oh, and you are ze paragon of sanity?

STEN: I am a member of a fanatical expansionist brainwashing cult. [ **PAUSES]** So yes.

WYNNE: I miss my demon-infested tower.

OGHREN: But now, seriously, you cut off her-

BLAKE: HSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

[ **SCENE: Inside the DWARVEN ASSEMBLY HALL.]**

BHELEN: I should be king!

HARROWMONT: Nuh-uh!

BHELEN: Uh-huh!

DWARVEN POLITICIAN: Sweet ancestors, the chance to see such wondrous political masters at work is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

DWARVEN POLITICIAN 2: The pinnacle of dwarven culture, we see before us.

BHELEN: You smell!

HARROWMONT: Your _mom_ smells!

[ **The AIR grows COLD. BLAKE enters. Nobody seems HAPPY TO SEE HER.]**

BLAKE: Everyone. Shut up. Bhelen, you are king now. Paragon said so. And if anyone questions it, I will _gut_ everyone in this _room_.

HARROWMONT: Which para-

[ **SCENE: BHELEN's THRONE ROOM.]**

BHELEN: I can't believe she cut off _all_ their-

OGHREN: Shit, quiet, she's waking up, don't let her hear you _say that._

BLAKE: Uuuuugh… my head hurts…

MORRIGAN: [ **With one BLACK EYE, and walking on CRUTCHES.]** Oh, yes, once again the real problem is how uncomfortable _you_ are. _Bitch_.

ALISTAIR: Are you okay, my little rose blossom? I'm afraid you had a… tiny episode.

WYNNE: The Dwarves no longer have a senate. I'm not sure that's tiny.

LELIANA: She was not foaming at ze mouth like after ze mage tower, that's a step in ze right direction.

ZEVRAN: I have to guess the new king won't be happy, though…

BHELEN: Actually, I was probably going to have them all killed and blame it on foreigners eventually. Now I don't have to put in the effort, so hey, win-win.

BLAKE: … … … I think I have dwarf blood in my mouth.

STEN: There was some biting. It was quite efficient. I assume you learned it from your exceptional dog.

DOG: Bark, bark!

STEN: You remain the only one of this group I respect.

BLAKE: I… ugh. You know what, screw it. Things ended well…

WYNNE: Not for the dwarves you bit to death!

BLAKE: _Not counting them._ And Bhelen will give me his army now. _Won't he?_

BHELEN: Of course. The dwarves always stand ready to face our ancient foes, the Darkspawn, be it beneath the ground or above it. I shall give you the sum total of my military force, the mightiest army on Thedas. I shall give you an overwhelming horde of professional killers, each one weaned on the blood of their foes. I shall _give you_ … [ **PAUSE for DRAMATIC EFFECT]…** _fifty soldiers!_

[ **BLAKE takes this information IN.]**

 **[SCENE: The ROYAL PALACE in DENERIM]**

LOGHAIN: So my daughter, the queen? She was asking if I had her husband killed to take his throne and now I'm locking her in the palace so she can't run the country without me.

TIM CURRY: Oh shit, what did you tell her?

LOGHAIN: I kind of coughed and pretended I didn't hear her. I mean, how do you reply to that?

TIM CURRY: We should kill her.

LOGHAIN: I… what? No. She's my daughter, you asshole. We're not killing her.

TIM CURRY: I'd kill her if she was my daughter. Watch, let me get my daughter.

LOGHAIN: No! Dude, nobody's daughter is getting killed. We'll just keep her locked up until I defeat everyone who thinks I shouldn't be running the country, then kill all the Grey Wardens, then defeat the infinite horde of monsters. I'm sure I can manage that in a week or two, no problems. Then she can have her country back.

TIM CURRY: I'll get a knife.

LOGHAIN: Stop that. Seriously, I'm really questioning why I let you in on this conspira-

[ **An ear-splitting SHRIEK, like a TORTURED CAT being STEPPED ON by an ELEPHANT with a FOOT INFECTION that is being RIDDEN by an easily started OPERA SINGER, rings through the PALACE. No, the WORLD. Carried by the endless chasms of the DEEP ROADS, it ECHOES into ETERNITY, bringing with it a WAVE of almost PALPABLE FRUSTRATION that makes everyone who hears it feel SLIGHTLY WORSE about the way their LIFE has been going so far.]**

LOGHAIN: …

TIM CURRY: …

LOGHAIN: You know, I got the strangest feeling that was like, _exactly_ fifty dwarves worth of rage. Don't ask me why. Weird, right?

TIM CURRY: So… um… wanna sell some city elves into slavery to pay for our war?

LOGHAIN: Do I ever!


	4. Chapter 4

_**Days of Our Dragon Age: Episode 52: El Pasión De Los Dragones**_

BLAKE:All right. We have acquired an army of… *sigh*… one-hundred and ten people. How many Darkspawn do we need to fight?

LELIANA: Infinite.

BLAKE: Yeah, see, the odds aren't great here. I thought maybe we could do this if the dwarves at least gave us an army. I was expecting them to do a better job than the elves, at least. Elves suck.

ZEVRAN: Hey, that's not… … … [SIGHS SADLY] actually, no, we pretty much do suck.

BLAKE: But the dwarves! They're strong and proud. I had amazing hopes for the dwarves.

OGHREN: *Belch* I like _ham._

BLAKE: Though in hindsight, I question why.

STEN: Most of them are not as bad as this one.

LELIANA: No, zey are _worse._

STEN: … Yes, I was going to leave that part out. It would be falsely reassuring. Your people find this socially acceptable. I have learned much of your lands in my time here.

BLAKE: So… I dunno. Do we have any other options? Because everyone seems to expect us to save the world but we don't even have enough people to fill a baseball stadium.

MORRIGAN: _Fourth wall._

BLAKE: I mean… a… um… crap, I don't know what sports we play in this world. A… dragonball stadium?

GOKU: Man, leave me out of this mess.

BLAKE: Oh, whatever. We don't have enough people to fill a metaphor. The point is we need a bigger army and I don't think there's any way to get one!

ALISTAIR: Oh oh oh oh oh oh…

BLAKE: Sten, maybe you could bring in some qunari?

STEN: My people sent me. That will be sufficient.

BLAKE: Oh, please, you only have one specialization, even _Alistair_ is more efficient at being a warrior than you. So get out there and bring some friends! Everyone is going to _love_ the qunari for like, the rest of this one game, before we really get to _know_ them.

MORRIGAN: _FOURTH WALL!_

BLAKE: Look, bitch, if you don't have an army of swamp wolves to help out, you can just shut your face. Nobody cares about the fourth wall anymore.

ALISTAIR: [WHIMPERS like a sad cocker spaniel.] I know what we can dooooooo!

MORRIGAN: I don't _control_ animals, I turn _into_ them.

BLAKE: Yeah, and it _sucks._

MORRIGAN: It's a perfectly valid power for any mage to… … … [SIGHS SADLY] actually no, it pretty much does suck.

BLAKE: So, seriously, if anyone has any idea what we should be doing at this point? Because the odds are looking pretty slim, though _any_ odds would look bad if the other side has infinite, so…

ALISTAIR: YOU GUYS IF YOU JUST LISTEN TO ME, _WE NEVER SAVED ARL EAMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-_

BLAKE: _Oh my Maker what's wrong with him?!_

MORRIGAN: _Did you break him with your sexual teasing?!_

BLAKE: _What?!_

WYNNE: _What?!_

ALISTAIR: -OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-

BLAKE: _I wasn't talking to you!_

LELIANA: _What?!_

ZEVRAN: _My hair looks amazing today!_

ALISTAIR: -OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-

STEN: *punches ALISTAIR in the side of the HEAD*

BLAKE: Oh sweet Andraste, thank you. Thank you, you noble fascist fanatic giant.

STEN: Really more like a combination of Communism and a weird cult.

BLAKE: Whatever. _Alistair!_ What was that, you spaz?!

ALISTAIR: I-I was just saying, that w-we never f-finished saving Arl Eamon and I _really wanna_ save Arl Eamon, he's the coolest guy and my best friend and my dad and he made me sleep in the barn but in a _nice_ way and sure he shipped me off to the Templars but he didn't _mean_ it and…

LELIANA: I am, 'ow you zay, befuddled. Did we not save Redcliffe?

MORRIGAN: I distinctly remember we did, because we did not feed that insufferable Orlesian woman to zombies despite the fact I dearly wished to.

LELIANA: Oh, I don't know, Isolde was a bit overbearing, but she wasn't zat bad…

MORRIGAN: I meant you.

LELIANA: Ah, right, vous are ze bitch, I keep forgetting.

MORRIGAN: I don't see how, I'm very thorough about it.

BLAKE: Either way, I'm absolutely sure we did save Redcliffe, though the details are a little fuzzy.

STEN: You had a mental breakdown after a tedious experience in the Fade.

BLAKE: *twitch* I have no memory of that. I have no memory of that. I have no memory of that. [Lets out a PAINED SOB.]

ZEVRAN: I would doubt that, but her mind breaks like cheap glass. I genuinely think she might have forgotten one out of the growing list.

BLAKE: … Hey. Screw you, buddy.

ALISTAIR: _You guys are ignoring me agaaaaaaaaaaaaa-_

STEN: [Punches ALISTAIR in the side of the HEAD.]

BLAKE: Thank you. Dodged a bullet there.

MORRIGAN: _FOURTH WALL!_

BLAKE: _Fine,_ dodged an _arrow._ Whatever. Slings have bullets, you know!

MORRIGAN: This game doesn't have slings! [Pauses] I mean… this… society.

BLAKE: See? It's hard! Besides, let's not mince words here, we're not even on the original rails that this story _used_ to have anymore. This started off as a soap opera parody and we hardly even mention my evil twin Raoul anymore…

 **[DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING]**

BLAKE: Ahhh, that brings me back. Now, Alistair, are you ready to tell us what's going on like a big boy, or are you going to throw a tantrum again? Because if I have to put you in time out, I'm leaving the Broodmother's head in there with you.

ALISTAIR: [DEEP BREATH] _We only saved Conner but Arl Eamon is still dying and nobody did_ anything _to save him and I wanna do the queeeeeeeeeeeeest!_

 **[The SILENCE is almost as deafening as ALISTAIR'S UNHAPPINESS.]**

BLAKE: … _Crap_ we forgot the actual Arl! All we helped was his stupid wife and brat son!

ALISTAIR: … Those are still my family, you know, I wish you wouldn't…

BLAKE: _SHUT UP,_ Alistair!

ALISTAIR: Yes, honey.

BLAKE: Okay, okay, okay. We still have time, right? I mean, infinite darkspawn isn't that many, I'm sure Loghain has this in the bag.

[ **SCENE: DENERIM, Palace int.]**

QUEEN ANORA: Father? I have been hearing some rumors that a horde of infinite darkspawn have invaded the kingdom and are slowly spreading across our lands like a plague, destroying our lands as they go, and no resistance is being mounted against them because you're focused on the civil war you started.

LOGHAIN: Those, like the rumors I killed your husband, are entirely false. After all, if I had killed your husband, I would have disguised it so he looked like he died in battle.

ANORA: That _is_ how it looks like he died.

LOGHAIN: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

ANORA: Father, I have been trying to roll with this whole situation. But you know, I feel like you've been dishonest with me on some points.

LOGHAIN: I didn't kill your husband, if that's what you mean. And Darkspawn are a myth, like dragons.

ANORA: It seems weird that you keep bringing that up. And I have to point out that dragons _are_ real, that's why we call this century the Dragon Age. Because someone saw a dragon when it was starting.

LOGHAIN: Oh, honey. That was all the Orlesians. They rigged up a hologram projector, a piece of cheese, and three bits of string, and projected a false image of a dragon on a cloud. Just like now with the Darkspawn! There isn't any horde, it's just old man Gaspard in disguise, trying to drive us off our land so he can hunt for pirate treasure. And once I'm done with the traitors and Arl Eamon dies of the poison I didn't give him, I'll be sure to go down there and catch him in a net to pull his mask off.

ANORA: Father, I suspect the stresses of running the kingdom are beginning to get to your mind a bit. … Wait, did you say you poisoned Arl Eamon?

TIM CURRY: The jig is up! We'll have to kill her!

ANORA: _Gah where did you come from._

LOGHAIN: No! Andraste's sake, how many times do I have to make that clear to you?! Nobody is to hurt my daughter!

TIM CURRY: I'll kill her with my murderin' knife!

ANORA: Father, I have to point out that his actions aren't really helping sell your story.

LOGHAIN: Oh, sweetie, you know what he's like. He's always saying things like that. It's the only thing that makes him smile.

TIM CURRY: _I will gut you with a hook made from the bones of orphans!_

LOGHAIN: See? He's harmless.

ANORA: Father, I'm forced to consider that perhaps you and Arl Tim Curry killed my husband and have been endeavoring to control the kingdom behind my back.

LOGHAIN: I'm hurt by your lack of trust, Anora. Why can't you trust me?

ANORA: Well, it's just that you've locked me in the palace, you've taken my army, you fled the battle in which my husband died under mysterious circumstances, you're pale and have creepy black hair, and of course Arl Tim Curry is voiced by Tim Curry.

LOGHAIN: That's silly. Like just because he's voiced by Tim Curry, he murdered his best friend to steal his lands and has a torture chamber in his castle basement! He doesn't, I must specify.

ANORA: Father, those are _really_ specific denials, and I'm sorry, but I just can't accept them when a horde of monsters is eating the southern provinces. I'm going to have to kindly ask that you leave my castle and return rulership of my kingdom to me immediately, so we might begin fighting for our lives.

TIM CURRY: [Kidnaps ANORA off to the TORTURE DUNGEON he definitely DOESN'T have.]

LOGHAIN: This shouldn't be taken as confirmation of anything you've accused me of! He's just being friendly! [PAUSE] Darkspawn are a myth and Orlesians are putting fluoride in our water! _Fake news!_

[ **SCENE: Camp, 2 o'clock in the afternoon, at NIGHT.]**

BLAKE: Yeah, that guy has a solid head on his shoulders. We definitely have time to save Arl Evan.

ALISTAIR: Eamon.

BLAKE: _Nobody cares._ Where are we supposed to go? I honestly don't think we ever really asked anyone.

ALISTAIR: It's okay! I've spent the last three weeks putting together a detailed list of the exact locations we need to be, ever since we started our quest! I kept it attached to the back of my shield and stopped to write in it whenever we got into a fight.

BLAKE: … … … Should I stop to explain why that was poor tactics, or…

MORRIGAN: He wouldn't understand. Just move on.

ALISTAIR: First, we need to go to talk to Brother Genitivi in Denerim, the legendary scholar. Only he might know the location of the Urn of Sacred Ashes.

 **[SILENCE. You could DROWN in it.]**

ALISTAIR: What?

LELIANA: We… we were waiting for the rest of it.

ALISTAIR: There is no rest of it. That's the whole thing. I mean, we never went past the first step, so how could there be more?

 **[SILENCE. Five solid MINUTES.]**

ZEVRAN: That… that took you… three weeks?

ALISTAIR: I needed to triple check my punctuation.

BLAKE: … … … Let's… let's just not think about it.

[ **SCENE: DENERIM. The home of BROTHER GENITIVI, the noted ARCHAELOGIST, who is WORLD FAMOUS but nobody will EVER mention him AFTER THIS QUEST.]**

WEYLON: Hello there, bwahahaha. I am Weylon, a normal good person who works for the revered Brother Genitivi. Bwahahaha. I am a good person. Bwaha.

BLAKE: … … … So you killed Brother Genitivi, right? You're some kind of serial killer?

WEYLON: That's _absurd_. I'm not a….. _serial_ killer.

LELIANA: Why did you, 'ow do you zay, emphasize 'serial'?

ZEVRAN: You can pronounce 'emphasize' but not 'say'?

LELIANA: Le shut up.

WEYLON: Anyway, hahaha, the Brother is _gone,_ hahaha. He will… _definitely_ be heard from again. Bwahahaha. _Bwahahahahaahahahahaha!_

BLAKE: Will what we 'hear' be the sound of the blood leaking from his severed head?

WEYLON: … … … No.

STEN: I suspect deception. We should search this dwelling.

BLAKE: Noooooooooooooooo, ya don't saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. [GASPS dramatically, due to her DEEP SURPRISE.] We'll get more experience points if we follow the whole questline, so shut up and turn off your brain, big guy.

MORRIGAN: _Fourth wall!_

BLAKE: _We're not friends Morrigan you can't tell me what to do._

DOG: Bark, bark!

BLAKE: _Fine,_ I'll try to stop breaking the story integrity. For _you_. [Turns to MORRIGAN.] You see what you can get if you just ask nicely? I'm always willing to be reasonable with someone who is pleasant and polite.

ALISTAIR: [COOS with HAPPINESS.] I'm so glad we're finally doing my quest, honey.

BLAKE: _ALISTAIR I WILL EAT YOUR HEART._

[ **SCENE: CIRCLE TOWER, ext. The little PUB off in the CORNER that you have to visit MORE THAN YOU'D THINK.]**

BLAKE: All right! I need to know what happened to Brother Genitivi, everyone, so…

OGHREN: Actually, I need ta take a detour, fer personal reasons. We need ta go to Lake Calenhad, just outside yer Circle tower.

BLAKE: … … … Oghren, where do you think we are?

OGHREN: I got no earthly idea, talkin' pair of pants. [Takes a SWIG of something that STEAMS and kills the GRASS when it drips off his BEARD.] If ya see Blake, tell her I need ta talk.

BLAKE: … Someone else deal with this, I'm gonna go inside and talk to the bartender.

ALISTAIR: To ask him for information to save the Arl?!

BLAKE: Sure. [Goes inside to ORDER A BEER.]

OGHREN: Ah, hey, Blake! There ya are.

STEN: I know you are not talking to me.

OGHREN: Fine ta see ya again, boss. Yer the prettiest wench I ever seen up here in this sunlit hell, I can tell ya that. [BELCHES.] But there's one wench even finer an' more mountainously solid than you, an' she dwells on the shore of lake Calenhad, like a beautiful aquatic moss. An' I wanna pork 'er real good.

ZEVRAN: You know, I have spent my life in every sort of dive bar and brothel imaginable, albeit usually to kill one of the occupants, and I have _never_ seen someone as drunk as this. It's almost an accomplishment.

STEN: I am going to kill him. Does anyone care if I kill him?

LELIANA: You… probably shouldn't…

MORRIGAN: That is her way pitifully moral way of saying 'no,' in case you were wondering. Nobody cares at _all._

ZEVRAN: Trained assassin. His life means absolutely nothing to me. I could gut you _all_ without feeling any emotion whatsoever.

WYNNE: [GLARES]

ZEVRAN: … I didn't say I was _going to._

DOG: [CLEARS his THROAT] Bark. Bark bark, bark. Bark, woof, woof, awooooo. Bark. Bark! Bark woof, woof, grrrr, bark bark. Woof woof? Bark! Bark woof, grrrrr, awoooo. Awooooooooo! Woof woof woof, bark. Ruff.

LELIANA: [Wipes away a TEAR.] S-so beautiful… you should have been a poet, my friend.

STEN: I cannot deny the wisdom of your words. Come, dwarf, we shall find you woman willing to accept your disgusting existence.

ALISTAIR: I already have one of those!

BLAKE: [Orders another ROUND.]

[ **SCENE: SPOILED PRINCESS TAVERN, int.]**

FELSI THE DWARF: Order up! Boss, I need three more flagons and-

STEN: [SLAMS OPEN THE DOOR.]

FELSI: _HOLY SH-_

STEN: [LIFTS HER BODILY.] _MATE WITH THIS VILE DWARF._

FELSI: _AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!_

OGHREN: Hey, babe. Long time no see.

FELSI: _AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!_

OGHREN: Yeah, I missed you too.

FELSI: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

OGHREN: So, hey, I'm single. And gotta say, you're lookin' _mighty_ fine, all curvaceous an' screaming. Wanna like, hook up some time? Get some grub, slam back a few brews, bang behind the wood shed?

STEN: _YOU DO. THIS DISGUSTING SMALL MAN IS YOUR FUTURE._

FELSI: _PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!_

OGHREN: Man, I am the best at romance.

BLAKE: You know, if you guys are gonna keep _screaming,_ it's gonna be super hard for me to get hammered. I guess we should go.

ALISTAIR: Oh, wow, you already found out about brother Genitivi?

BLAKE: Who?

ALISTAIR: Th…the one we came here to find. I… it was my quest…?

BLAKE: …. Oh. Oh! Right. Um, yeah, I… asked about him. There was… he was… gone. You know how these things are. Nothing doing. He was probably never here. I guess we'll just have to give up, because there is nothing strange about this place at all.

PSYCHOTIC CULTISTS: [Ambush outta NOWHERE.]

[ **SCENE: DENERIM, BROTHER GENETIVI'S home, int.]**

BLAKE: [With an ARROW in the side of her FACE. It is the LEAST THREATENING THING about her expression.] So hey, douche. About that inn you asked us to visit.

WEYLON: … … … … I'll be super honest, I was expecting you to die there.

BLAKE: _No shit._ But guess what, douchebag, I survive _everything_.

WYNNE: I can't argue with that. She's _shockingly_ hard to actually kill, even though we do go through injury kits like candy.

BLAKE: So how about you tell me where Genitivi actually is? Or we could do this the other way, which is that I _rip your face off_ and wear it like a _hat._

LELIANA: She will do it. She's a _terrifying_ woman.

ALISTAIR: I live my life in mortal terror of her. And yet I also love her!

LELIANA: She gave me flowers!

WEYLON: … … … I… am shielded by my faith and do not fear the heretics.

BLAKE: _That is a mistake._

[ **SCENE: SAME, only with more BLOOD.]**

BLAKE: So this research journal in the back room points out a hidden village in the mountains that the real Brother Genitivi went to. Now, call me crazy, but if I was a bloodthirsty cultist trying to keep that secret, I would have burned this journal first.

WYNNE: You are _crazy_.

BLAKE: … You didn't have to _actually_ call me crazy. It's just an expression.

WYNNE: I did, because it's _true._ What is _wrong_ with you?!

BLAKE: He was a murderous cultist! The real Weylon is dead in the back room!

WYNNE: _You didn't have to actually wear his face as a hat!_

BLAKE: _I told him I was gonna do it! Would you make a liar of me, woman?!_

MORRIGAN: You know, it's moments like this that remind me why I still hang around with her. She really _gets_ me.

ALISTAIR: So, do you think that something in this mysterious village can save Arl Eamon?

BLAKE: Who?

LELIANA: Quest objective.

BLAKE: Oh! Right, Alistair was the quest giver for this one, I keep forgetting. Thanks, babe. Someone's getting herself a religious necklace later before we have sex in our underwear.

LELIANA: You know vat a voman wants, darlink.

BLAKE: … … … Did your accent just get Russian for a second there?

LELIANA: Le shut up.

ALISTAIR: [Whimpers like a PUPPY]

BLAKE: Ugh, _fine._ Sten, take Alistair for a walk, and then we'll go see about this hidden villa-

STEN: No.

BLAKE: … Excuse me?

STEN: I want to do my quest first. We should go find my sword.

BLAKE: … … You _have_ a sword.

STEN: It isn't _my_ sword. Only my sword will do.

BLAKE: [Sighs DEEPLY] Okay, whatever, fine. I guess we can stop to look for your sword on the way to do the creepy cult. Where do you remember misplacing it?

STEN: Lake Calenhad.

BLAKE: … … … We were _just there._

STEN: Yes, we were.

BLAKE: You didn't _say anything_.

STEN: No, I did not.

BLAKE: … … … _WHY?!_

STEN: You had not yet said enough things I liked.

BLAKE: You… I hadn't said enough _things you liked_ to convince you to _beg me for a favor?!_ I have to _convince_ you to _inconvenience me_?!

STEN: Yes. And I did not beg for a favor. I demanded a service.

BLAKE: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrggggggglrblerlrlrlrrrrrgh! [Begins KICKING a WALL and SHRIEKING like an ANGRY GERBIL.]

ALISTAIR: I promise I'll still love you even if you never find me a sword.

LELIANA: I prefer bows anyway!

STEN: I should also mention that this will not be the only backtracking we will be doing for this task.

MORRIGAN: … Are you single, large giant? I am suddenly very attracted to you.

[ **SCENE: LAKE CALENHAD, just outside that INN I told you we would be SEEING AGAIN. It is a BEAUTIFUL and SERENE spring morning.]**

FELSI: Okay, boss, I'm turning in for the day and-

STEN: [EXPLODES out of the MORNING MIST] _DWARF WOMAN. I SEEK THE SCAVENGERS WHO STOLE MY BLADE. ANSWER, OR MY WRATH WILL BE DEEP AND CRUEL._

FELSI: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

OGHREN: Hey, babe. Back already! Pleasant surprise, right?

FELSI: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

STEN: _YOUR SCREAMS DO NOT AID ME. AND YOU HAVEN'T MATED WITH THIS VILE DWARF YET. I AM MOST DISPLEASED WITH YOUR PERFORMANCE._

OGHREN: Sorry, babe. He's a real enthusiastic wingman.

FELSI: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

OGHREN: Yer hair's lookin' real shiny. You like… condition or somethin'?

FELSI: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

OGHREN: Looks hot.

LELIANA: Vat are you doeenk? We found ze scavengers who took your sword from ze lake.

FELSI: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

OGHREN: Sten here's bein' my wingman. We totally won this babe over, so just gimme a sec?

STEN: _WHY DID YOU NOT TELL ME THAT THE SCAVENGERS WERE ELSEWHERE? YOUR PERFORMANCE CONTINUES TO DISAPPOINT, DWARF WOMAN._

FELSI: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

LELIANA: … In any event, we 'ave found zat your sword was sold to a merchant just outzide of, erm… Orzammar…

BLAKE: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

LELIANA: Our leader was not pleased zat we'd be returning zere so soon, I believe.

ALISTAIR: You have the most beautiful lungs for screaming, my little pudding pop.

FELSI: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

ALISTAIR: _Much_ lovelier than hers.

[ **SCENE: Just outside of ORZAMMAR. The team approaches the gates of the CITY, dragging BLAKE behind them while she CLAWS AT THE GROUND in mixed TERROR and FURY.]**

WYNNE: You know, I know she's our leader, but I'm starting to legitimately wonder if she has some kind of mental condition, because these breakdowns are far too frequent to just be the admittedly severe stress she's under. She did lose her family under traumatic conditions, and who _knows_ what Darkspawn blood does to your mind? We should see about getting her to a healer, I think.

ALISTAIR: That's probably not necessary. I drank some, and look how good _my_ mind is!

WYNNE: Oh, sweet Maker, it's worse than I thought.

ALISTAIR: Thank you.

STEN: You. Merchant. I seek my sword.

LELIANA: … Vy are you so calm wiz zis person, and yet so furious wiz ze poor dwarf girl?

STEN: _HER PERFORMANCE WAS UNSATISFACTORY._

OGHREN: Aw, Frenchie, don't be too hard on 'em. He was just bein' a great wingman! And it totally worked, she was into me, you could tell from how she was excited.

LELIANA: She was screaming in ze horror.

OGHREN: _Hot_.

MERCHANT: Oh, I remember that sword! Someone actually bought it, though. I'd feel really bad for anyone who came all this way looking for it! It would be an annoying backtrack that would probably lead to some random encounters, and now you just have to leave again! And… hey, weren't you all _just_ through here like, a week ago?

BLAKE: [Incoherent SOBBING.]

MORRIGAN: We were, but it was much more dignified the first time.

WYNNE: Everyone, stop trying to change the subject. I _need_ to know why nobody here is expressing any concern for this clearly traumatized woman. Her mind is basically strung together with fishing twine and spit, and it's _deeply_ distressing.

ZEVRAN: Are you sure? She's always seemed so pleasant. She once gave me a pair of gloves, and several metal bars.

ALISTAIR: She gave me all her weird statues, and usually doesn't put me in the party when she knows I'm going to say something she disapproves of.

LELIANA: She gave me flowers and religious iconography. Also we 'ad sex right out in the open next to the campfire while everyone was watching. I admit it was a little odd nobody said anyzing about zis.

ZEVRAN: You can pronounce 'iconography' but not 'had'?

LELIANA: Le shut up.

WYNNE: … … … Why do I even bother to talk to you people?

MORRIGAN: I have asked that question many times. I think we would both be happier if you just stopped, don't you?

WYNNE: [SIGHS] Well. She should eventually recover once we stop backtracking. As long as we don't have to go to the Circle Tower?

MERCHANT: No, no. I sold this fine large man's sword to a warrior from Redcliffe! No Circle Tower at all. I can't imagine any reason that anyone would ever have to go _there_.

DAGNA THE DWARF: Did someone say _reason to go to the Circle Tower?!_ Because _I_ have one of those for you all!

BLAKE: [INCOHERENT HISSING SOUNDS]

DAGNA: Awwwww, don't be that way. I know you don't want to ever go back to the Circle Tower again because it's the source of all hate in the universe, and sure that my desire to go study there might seem like an unimportant sidequest now. But I'm going to be coming back in two games voiced by Laura Bailey, and _everyone_ loves Laura Bailey. Isn't a little existential suffering worth having more Laura Bailey in your series? And more importantly, isn't me getting what I want worth you doing my work for me?

MORRIGAN: I feel oddly close to you.

DAGNA: Works every time.

BLAKE: I… will _burn…_ the _universe._ You… you all do this… you draw me into _darkness._ Every time I think everything's okay, you… a thousand, thousand little _madnesses_ , sucking me in, _destroying my soul…_

[ **SCENE: The CIRCLE TOWER]**

WYNNE: Hey, can a dwarf move in here to study?

FIRST ENCHANTER IRVING: Hmmm… well, I guess.

WYNNE: Neat.

[ **SCENE: REDCLIFFE]**

STEN: I want my sword back please.

DWARF MERCENARY: I normally don't give things back, but you're _amazingly_ huge. Here you go.

STEN: Thank you. [Puts his IRREPLACEABLE and INCREDIBLY PRECIOUS unique SWORD that symbolizes his SOUL as a QUNARI WARRIOR into the communal party storage, because it is a PIECE OF GARBAGE that isn't even worth SELLING.]

 **[SCENE: HAVEN, the village of WEIRD CULTISTS]**

BLAKE: … … … … … Okay, I admit that wasn't as bad as I was expecting.

MORRIGAN: I guess these little miniquests do go a lot faster when you already have all the maps open and the enemies cleared out. [EYES WIDEN] I mean… um… 'tis far simpler to… travel to places we have already voyaged to, whereupon… verily, doth we... manage such minor errands with…

BLAKE: Morri. Babe. The fourth wall is dead. Just… just give in.

MORRIGAN: [SOBS GENTLY]

LELIANA: [Pats MORRIGAN on the back.] Zere, zere. Maybe someone will give you a shiny necklace later. Ten of 'zem will make you fall in love!

BLAKE: My girl knows me well. Someone's gettin' a religious necklace and a flower later. Now, are we sure this is the right strange village?

MYSTERIOUS CULT CHILD: [Sings the nursery rhyme from _NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET_ , before biting the HEAD off a LIVE MOUSE and GIGGLING SOFTLY.]

WYNNE: … … … It's definitely not a _nice_ village, at least.

BLAKE: So, um. Who wants to… ask some of the population about… if they've seen our guy? You know. Go out and… and make some friends.

MORRIGAN: Alistair is _very_ friendly I've found.

LELIANA: I can live with 'zis.

ZEVRAN: Coming here _was_ his idea.

WYNNE: And he's such a strong young lad. Do him good to make more friends.

OGHREN: Who's 'Alistair'?

STEN: I do not care if he dies.

ALISTAIR: … … … … You know, sometimes I think you guys don't respect me as much as you do each other.

BLAKE: That is true. And _sad,_ considering the deep, _deep_ disrespect that pervades everything we do around each other.

ALISTAIR: I love you too, dear. I will bravely take over the scouting duties, out of my deep admiration for you. [Walks into the NEAREST BUILDING. Goes INSIDE. Walks OUT.] Yeah, wow, that building has a blood-soaked altar.

DOZEN ANGRY CULTIST WARRIORS: [Come running out, SCREAMING and brandishing SWORDS.]

MORRIGAN: I'm not entirely sure this is Alistair's fault, but I shall be blaming him regardless.

OGHREN: No, seriously, who's Alistair?

 **[SCENE: The CULT CHURCH.]**

BLAKE: [On FIRE and wiping bits of someone's FACE off her SWORD.] All right. We just killed what was clearly more soldiers than this village could actually support. Will you _please_ just… give up?

TWENTY MORE ANGRY CULTIST MURDERERS: Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrarg!

BLAKE: I hate you guys.

[ **SCENE: The CULT CHURCH, in the BACK ROOM.]**

BLAKE: [With a SWORD still sticking out of her BACK and a little bit more SMOKE coming out of her HAIR.] Hey guy. Are you Brother Genitivi?

BROTHER GENITIVI: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

STEN: I believe this is the man we seek. He screams in the manner of a scholar.

LELIANA: I do not zee why he is so replete with consternation. We are 'ere to save 'im.

WYNNE: I assume because we're all covered in blood and Blake is on fire.

ZEVRAN: No, seriously, why am I the only one confused that she can can pronounce 'replete with consternation' but not 'here'?

LELIANA: Remind me again why you are even part of ze group?

ZEVRAN: [SMILES. One of his teeth makes that little GLEAMING effect.] Antivan Crrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrows.

LELIANA: [SIGHS HAPPILY.] Ah, yes. That.

BROTHER GENITIVI: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

BLAKE: [SMACKS HIM] Be cool, man! We just saved your life, and let me be blunt here: it wasn't a fun time!

GENITIVI: Erm. Oh. Well, yes. I suppose you do look… a little… un-good.

BLAKE: Oh. Wow. Great scholar you are, clearly.

ALISTAIR: _Brother Genitivi!_ I am Alistair, a noble knight of Arl Eamon of Redcliffe…

STEN: You are technically not.

ALISTAIR: … Who has come seeking out the legendary Sacred Ashes of Andraste in an epic quest…

MORRIGAN: It's arguably the least epic quest we have done. And that is saying something.

ALISTAIR: … with my true love and her allies.

BLAKE: Who's your true love?

OGHREN: Who are _you_?

GENITIVI: My word! You must be the greatest hero of our age, Sir Alistair! It shall be my great honor to guide you to the Urn, that you may use the legendary ashes within to heal your noble lord. I have sought it out for many years, seeking that most of sacred of relics in the name of the Maker and holy lady Andraste, and I have learned its location after endless questing and countless hours of research. Are you prepared to make the harsh and unforgiving journey from this bloody den of heretics to the site of our faith's most holy relic?!

ALISTAIR: Noble brother! Wherefore is this site, that we may purge it of evil and strike a blow for the Holy Mother?!

GENITIVI: It is… … … just up the road, and to the left.

LELIANA: Does anyone else feel like zese quests are not really living up to zere hype? Because I am starting to get zat feeling.

 **[SCENE: The SECRET TEMPLE of SACRED ASHES. Or RATHER, the FIRST TEMPLE, which is in front of a SYSTEM OF GIANT CAVERNS which is in FRONT OF A SECOND TEMPLE where the ASHES actually are. I guess whoever BURIED ANDRASTE knew a really good CONTRACTOR.]**

BLAKE: Whoa. I have to admit, as ruins go, this blows those awful elf ruins out of the water.

ZEVRAN: Hey! Those ruins were steeped in the culture of my… … … actually, no, they pretty much sucked.

OGHREN: Eh, no lava. Dwarf ruins have lava.

BLAKE: And I _hate_ them, so I'll take it. Plus, this is gonna be a breeze, so I'm in a good mood.

MORRIGAN: A breeze. A _breeze_. You think this is going to be _simple_ for you? You have… you have _met_ yourself, correct?

BLAKE: I got math on my side this time, see? There were only about six buildings and a church in that village, and between them all we killed at least thirty cultists. That literally has to have been their entire fighting-age population. Their farming and infrastructure was basically non-existent, and I have a hard time believing it could support even that many soldiers on top of the women, children, and elderly that any village would have. We _have_ to have wiped out the cult's entire military arm. Logistically speaking there just can't be any more.

THIRTY ANGRY CULTIST SOLDIERS: Hi.

MORRIGAN: [Smirks INSUFFERABLY.] Someone forgot she's in a _fantasy gaaaaaaaame_ and it doesn't need to make _seeeeeeeeense…_

BLAKE: You know, I change my mind. I liked you better when you respected the fourth wall.

 **[SCENE: The CAVES that are BEHIND the FIRST TEMPLE and in front of the SECOND TEMPLE, in case you were keeping track.]**

WYNNE: You know, if I got experience points for healing, I would be level one billion by this point. You people _exhaust_ me.

BLAKE: I have an _arrow_ in my skull _._ _Again._

WYNNE: And I have to fix it. You never think of my feelings, you know that? Even though I work tirelessly to reattach the pieces of you that get chopped off because, let's be blunt here, you haven't been sidequesting enough. Your levels are hardly optimized and you could have better armor. Did you even _buy_ the DLC?

BLAKE: I… shut up. I'll get to it.

WYNNE: I'm not angry with you. I'm just _very disappointed._ I want you to live up to your potential. And why haven't you asked Leliana to marry you yet? I want grandchildren.

BLAKE: _Just shut up, okay?!_ _You're not even my real mom!_

WYNNE: [A single DIGNIFIED TEAR rolls down her cheek.]

BLAKE: … Sorry. I… I know you just want what's best for me. And I… I'll try harder. I swear I'll get a better suit of matching heavy armor. And I'll try not to get hurt so much.

[ **BLAKE immediately gets BLINDSIDED by a swarm of BABY DRAGONS that come hissing out of the tunnels, shrieking and breathing licks of flame.]**

WYNNE: … … … … … …

STEN: She did say 'try.'

 **[SCENE: the same CAVES, only the WALLS are a good bit DIRTIER. WYNNE has just finished putting BLAKE'S skin back on.]**

MORRIGAN: So, we've made another excellent start. Brilliant work, everyone.

BLAKE: You just stood there while I got mauled. I don't think you get to critique our performance as a group when you _didn't perform._

MORRIGAN: So in other words, _I_ did what I've always done and you can't blame me for this. You knew what I was going to do.

BLAKE: Okay, I know you _think_ that's logical, but…

LELIANA: Please, you two, not again. It always ends up wiz you having veird non-flirting, and zat makes me uncomfortable. Just stop being yourselves, and remember ze bright side. Dragons are le endangered! Ze odds of zere being-

BLAKE: _STOP RIGHT THERE!_

LELIANA: GAH! Vat?! You scared ze Fade out of me!

BLAKE: You were about to say the odds of there being more dragons were really small. Well guess frickin' what? If you say it, there's going to be way more dragons. Probably bigger ones, too. But I know how this works by now. I _got_ you, universe. [DEEP BREATH] Oh boy! I bet there's tons more dragons in this cave!

DRAKES, MUCH LARGER AND MORE VICIOUS THAN INFANT DRAGONLINGS: Hi.

[ **BLAKE then LEARNED that the only thing more POWERFUL than TEMPTING FATE is trying to SCREW WITH IT.]**

 **[SCENE: The FINAL CAVE CHAMBER.]**

FATHER KOLGRIM: Heretics! You may have slaughtered your way through my loyal disciples and my army of dragonkin, but you cannot…. Oh sweet Andraste what _happened_ to you people? Did you fight your way through them, or just disguise yourselves as corpses to sneak by?

BLAKE: [WIPING the CHARCOAL that used to be her HAIR off her HEAD] Hey, screw you, buddy. We just came to frickin' visit, and you sent like eighty dudes to kill us for no goddamn reason. You don't get to mock me when your whole thing is just living up here in the mountains being a jackass. You're not cool. You're a murderous hillbilly.

ZEVRAN: Apologies, sir. She is a terribly unpleasant person.

BLAKE: [Hands ZEVRAN a pair of BOOTS.]

ZEVRAN: [APPROVAL +10] How dare you insult our fearless leader! Take back your words, knave!

FATHER KOLGRIM: Hmmmm…. Well, you have bested my mighty armies, so you are clearly quite skilled… I think. And you have brought shirtless women to be breeding stock for our village, that we may replace our losses.

MORRIGAN: What.

FATHER KOLGRIM: Yes, I believe we can make peace. You seek the Urn of Sacred Ashes, I assume? I shall lead you to it, in exchange for a simple boon.

BLAKE: You can't keep Morrigan, but we may be willing to rent her out.

FATHER KOLGRIM: No, no. She comes later.

MORRIGAN: She doesn't 'come' at all!

ALISTAIR: Well, of course not. None of us would sleep with you.

MORRIGAN: [JAW DROP]

BLAKE: … … … Alistair, did you just… did you just _…_ just successfully burn someone?

ZEVRAN: I feel like I just saw a unicorn.

LELIANA: I am genuinely unclear of ze proper way to react to zis.

KOLGRIM: Okay, maybe you guys aren't the right choice for this job after all.

[ **SCENE: The entrance to the SECOND TEMPLE that is BEHIND the CAVE that is behind the… you know what? I give up.]**

KOLGRIM: So, I should take this time to explain our religion. We believe that Andraste is a dragon now.

BLAKE: What.

KOLGRIM: Our people came up here to live in the mountains, and we were like, you know what? Andraste is, like… a dragon now. She's magic, right? So she became a dragon. And that's our religion.

WYNNE: That is… not precisely orthodox belief. Can I ask why you believe that… this… _thing_ happened?

KOLGRIM: [Smiles SMUGLY] A dragon came to land in the mountains, and we just _knew,_ man. We saw the dragon and we were like: "Yeah, that's the messiah."

WYNNE: … … … … … … … …

LELIANA: [WHISPERED] Now, honey bear, you know I do not try to be ze wet blanket about ze whole religion zing. But I'm pretty sure we have to burn zis heretic.

BLAKE: Now, honey. You know that technically speaking, I've done some stuff to you that was a sin. Nobody's perfect.

LELIANA: Ze Maker is actually pretty unconcerned with ze sexing. He's a mellow Deity. But he is totally not down wiz ze dragon worship.

BLAKE: Okay, yes, that's a good point. But on the other hand, if there's really a dragon out here I don't want to fight it.

ALISTAIR: There probably isn't a dragon. They _are_ nearly extinct, you know.

HIGH DRAGON, MIGHTY BEAST OF PURGING FLAME: RRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! [RELEASES a GOUT OF FLAME that melts the ROCK beneath its MIGHTY CLAWS to a stream of MAGMA.]

BLAKE: You know, Alistair, I really regret bringing you on this adventure sometimes. And by sometimes, I mean _all_ the time.

KOLGRIM: Now. As you can see, this dragon is Jesus. I mean, that barely needs to be said. It just has a certain air of majesty and faith about it, I'm sure you've noted.

HIGH DRAGON: RRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRG!

BLAKE: She does seem wise.

KOLGRIM: Well, as you know, the Ashes are the remains of Andraste's body from her previous life…

WYNNE: Actually, I can't legitimately say for sure if we ever explained that to everyone. I don't know if you noticed, but this quest has been kinda haphazard.

KOLGRIM: … … Okay, can you all please not talk? I seriously am starting to question why I'm asking you to do this, and the more words you say the less confident I am.

OGHREN: [BELCHES] I could seriously go for some moonshine and a bucket of _lard_.

KOLGRIM: …

HIGH DRAGON: …

BLAKE: We're professionals, really. And just _look_ at Morrigan's boobs! Man, any cult would kill to have her, am I right?

MORRIGAN: _Stop trying to sell me._

BLAKE: _Rent_ you, baby. Rent. I'd never let him keep you for more than two weeks. And I'm gonna require a security deposit, obviously.

KOLGRIM: [SIGH] Look, just go in there and destroy the ashes. It will help my dragon prophet become a more prophetic prophet.

BLAKE: How?

KOLGRIM: Shut up, that's how.

[ **SCENE: The real final temple, ABOUT TIME.]**

GUARDIAN OF THE ASHES: Hail, travelers. I am the spirit who guards this holy site, the resting place of Holy Andraste. In order to claim a fragment of the ashes, you must…

BLAKE: I actually found a FAQ online, I already know the solutions to all the puzzles.

GUARDIAN: … … I… speakest thou against what dost thine mean by yon words? Verily, I know not what art FAQ, and…

MORRIGAN: We're not bothering with the fourth wall anymore, pal. Sorry.

GUARDIAN: [SIGH] Oh, all right. At least that won't get you past the boss fight mid-way through against your party's evil twins.

BLAKE: Wait, wh-

RAOUL: _Finally_.

[ **SCENE: The CHAMBER of the ASHES.]**

SPIRIT: Ah, good. You realized the final puzzle was to take off all your clothes before walking through the barrier of spiritual flame around this holy chamber.

BLAKE: We had to take off our clothes, _jackass,_ because Morrigan's Evil Twin summoned down a firestorm upon our heads and all our metal gear is super hot still.

MORRIGAN: I really liked her. I wish she'd stayed around longer, she really seemed like someone I could respect.

DOG: Bark, bark!

MORRIGAN: No, I do _not_ think your evil twin was better looking. I'm clearly the best looking member of the party.

ZEVRAN: A-hem.

MORRIGAN: … Damn you.

BLAKE: All right. Everyone, we need to decide if we're going to leave the sacred relic, or join the dragon cult. Thoughts?

MORRIGAN: I like dragon cults, myself.

STEN: I actually disapprove of that plan.

BLAKE: … … …

ALISTAIR: … … …

LELIANA: … … …

MORRIGAN: What?

BLAKE: It's just we were expecting you two to agree. You're… what's the word I am looking for…

LELIANA: Ze evil ones.

BLAKE: Right, yes.

MORRIGAN: Oh, please. More evil than _you_?

BLAKE: What are you talking about? I haven't done anything evil at all this whole adventure.

WYNNE: [COUGHS POLITELY] You did kill all those dwarves…

BLAKE: _THEY HAD IT COMING, SHORT LITTLE BASTARDS._

OGHREN: Racist.

BLAKE: Oh, you know what? Screw all you all. We're saving the Ashes because the one who sleeps with me and the one who keeps my limbs attached are both in favor of it. Nobody else has an opinion that matters to me.

ALISTAIR: That's sweet of you to say, sugar bear, but we haven't actually consummated our love yet.

BLAKE: I'll stab you in the face, Alistair.

ALISTAIR: Such a gentle soul.

[ **SCENE: Back OUTSIDE. Because this is an RPG DUNGEON, there are obviously doors that lead IMMEDIATELY to EVERYWHERE, but they only OPEN when you're LEAVING.]**

KOLGRIM: Heretics! How dare you defy the holy-

BLAKE: [STABS HIM]

MORRIGAN: [Wipes away a TEAR OF JOY] How is it that every time we have a fight, you do something that reminds me why you're my best friend?

BLAKE: It is _really_ sad that I'm your best friend, Morri. [PAUSE] Shit, you're my best friend too. Sweet Maker, I suck.

STEN: I wasn't going to say it, but I have been thinking it for weeks.

DOG: Bark bark.

STEN: ... You are _not_ my best friend. You are a dog. Certainly you are a fellow warrior that I respect, but…

DOG: _Bark._

STEN: Dammit.

BLAKE: Okay. Okay. Now, everyone, we got this quest done. We can go home and heal Arl Eamon, get his army… which I suspect will be fifty people, but you know what? I'm not gonna be bitch about it… and we've made real progress. Not _good_ progress. But I truly think it's the best we're gonna get. I'm almost happy about how this turned out. Almost. Not really. I hate most of you. But you know what? We're _almost done._ And then I'm gonna take this sexy Frenchwoman off to a tropical island and never talk to any of you ever again.

ZEVRAN: [Picks a horn off KOLGRIM'S corpse and blows into it. The DRAGON wakes up and ROARS with the FURY that SHATTERS MOUNTAINS.]

BLAKE: _WHY, BEAUTIFUL ELF MAN?!_

ZEVRAN: [SHRUGS] You seemed kind of happy, and its usually Alistair that ruins things for you when that happens. I wanted to mix things up a little bit. Add some variety to our lives.

HIGH DRAGON: RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

WYNNE: You say 'variety' and yet I see nothing in the future but three thousand more healing spells just like all the ones before…

STEN: If it helps, that boredom is fitting punishment for your demonic nature.

WYNNE: Just for that, no cookies for you if we survive the dragon's deadly flames.

STEN: [SULKS]

 **[SCENE: REDCLIFFE CASTLE, Int.]**

ISOLDE: _TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAGAN!_

TEAGAN: I'm right here, you know.

ISOLDE: I do not understand ze issue.

TEAGAN: [SIGHS] What is the problem, Isolde?

ISOLDE: Vell, TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAGAN, I have begun to have ze worries. I have lost, 'ow you zay, all faith in ze Wardens and zere band of misfits. I feel we should start sending out, 'ow you say, ze knights to die for us searching for, 'ow you say, ze mythical cure that may or may not exist.

TEAGAN: They did save your son from infernal torment at the hands of a demon.

ISOLDE: Yes, but what 'ave zey done for me lately?

TEAGAN: I think that's enough, isn't it? It's only been like a week.

ISOLDE: A veek in which my husband _perishes,_ TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAGAN.

TEAGAN: Okay, you know, what _is_ your accent? Because you've been married to my brother for like a decade now, and I can't pin it down to anything other than 'screamy'… [SNIFFS THE AIR]… do you smell cooked meat and rage?

 **[What MIGHT be the team of BLAKE, or MIGHT be a group of LIVING CHARCOAL STATUES enter.]**

BLAKE: Hey. You. French bitch.

ISOLDE: _Excuse-_

BLAKE: _I DIDN'T SAY YOU COULD TALK._

ISOLDE: [Falls silent.]

BLAKE: We got you some ashes. They're _sacred,_ just like you ordered. Whoo, how _nice for you._ The thing is, of course, right now, _everything of us_ is ashes. Because you see, your hubby's miracle cure was _lousy with dragons_. So what we're going to do here, to find the right ashes, is you're going to eat some of all the ashes we have until you find the one that makes you feel better. Sten will be watching closely, to critique your testing technique.

STEN: I am a harsh critic.

ALISTAIR: I… honey, I really don't think we should force her to…

ISOLDE: _SILENCE YOURSELF, FILTHY BASTARD SPAWN OF A HARLOT._

ALISTAIR: … … … … … You know what? Enjoy your dinner.

WYNNE: [Pats him on the back] Two successful burns in one trip. I'm proud of you, son.

ALISTAIR: [SMILES]

BLAKE: [Sighs in contentment, as HACKING SOUNDS begin to fill the DINING ROOM.] You know? Despite _everyone's_ best attempt? This ended pretty well.

MORRIGAN: Oh, by the way, I need you to do my personal quest now. We'll need a book from the Circle Tower.

BLAKE: [HAS EXPERIENCED AN ERROR AND NEEDS TO SHUT DOWN]

WYNNE: … … … … … You know, if her mind doesn't start working again, you just doomed the world.

MORRIGAN: Worth it.


	5. Chapter 5

_**Days of Our Dragon Age: Episode 67: Arl My Children**_

 **(*)**

 **[SCENE: ARL EAMON'S CASTLE, in the THRONE ROOM. The ARL sits in attendance, SMILING at his SAVIORS.]**

EAMON: I have ash in my mouth.

BLAKE: That will happen. Apparently the only thing that would fix you is magic ash? I'm not sure why other magic wouldn't work.

ISOLDE: Obviously ve could not use ze filthy magick of ze infidel! It is _different_ ven ze magic is holy. Just ask TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN, he understands.

TEAGAN: Why do you bring me into these things?!

BLAKE: … Oh, so nobody actually _tried_ any of the various and available healing magic from the wizards that live right across the lake from you? Is that why they were all just dying when we got there, even though I think the two of you could _probably_ have solved each other's problems before we even got here? That's great. Arl, since you owe us your life, I'm going to cash in some of that debt right now so I can punch your wife and brother right in the face.

TEAGAN: Why me?!

BLAKE: _You enable her._

EAMON: Well, I was actually going to give you a shield as your reward.

BLAKE: None of us use shields.

ALISTAIR: I use shields!

BLAKE: None of us that I _care_ about use shields.

EAMON: You don't care about Prince Alistair? That's odd.

BLAKE: … … What.

ALISTAIR: [ **COUGHS POLITELY.** ] I… um… may have forgotten to… mention a few things… I… you know. I didn't bring up that I prefer dogs over cats. Or that I'm allergic to kale. Or…

EAMON: Alistair is the illegitimate child of the late King Maric and the only living heir of the royal family. The best option at this point, I think, is to ensure he becomes king so we might reunite the kingdom.

ALISTAIR: Yes, I did forget to bring up that too.

MORRIGAN: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Alistair! A _king!_ Have you _MET_ him?!

WYNNE: [ **COUGHS]** I… it is a bit hard to believe…

MORRIGAN: _Alistair!_ A _king!_ He has shoulders like a _trout!_

STEN: We have no kings in the Qun. I am now convinced this was a wise choice.

LELIANA: Don't vous have a brutal religious dictatorship wiz no personal freedoms?

STEN: Yes. But we don't have Alistair.

LELIANA: Dammit, he has le point.

MORRIGAN: Alistair! A _king_! Squinty eyes like a _weasel,_ he has.

ALISTAIR: You're just being hurtful at this point.

BLAKE: She has been nothing but hurtful for the last six months, but that isn't important. Nothing about Morrigan is important. What's important is that you're _king_! The hell made you think it was a good plan to keep that secret?!

ALISTAIR: Well, I mean. I'm not really king. Making me king would probably require lots of fighting and manipulation, innocents would likely die, there would be upheaval in the kingdom…

BLAKE: [ **EYES GLOWING with POWER MADNESS.]** _And you think those are obstacles, you colossal twit?!_

MORRIGAN: **[SIGHS]** Why did the Maker have to make her a woman? She's entirely perfect in all other ways. [ **PAUSES.]** Oh right, He doesn't exist and His worshippers are gullible idiots deluded by a corrupt religious hierarchy that manipulates the masses for power.

LELIANA: _A-hem._

MORRIGAN: What? I was including you in that statement, don't worry.

LELIANA: I le hate you.

MORRIGAN: Yes. I know. I've worked hard to achieve that.

EAMON: Erm. Well, I was going to suggest we should put Alistair on the throne, but I'm starting to wonder if that's actually a good idea now that I see who he spends his time with. He can't have very good judgment.

ALISTAIR: Oh, that's fine, I don't really want to be king.

BLAKE: [ **Pins ALISTAIR to the wall by his THROAT.]** You shut your fucking mouth. You shut your mouth and you _never open it again._ Arl, we _definitely_ want to make me king.

EAMON: Alistair. Alistair will be king.

BLAKE: Yes. That's what I said.

EAMON: I… yes. This is increasingly looking like a terrible plan. Perhaps we can find some way to reconcile with Loghain after all? He can't be _totally_ unreasonable.

BLAKE: Zevran! Convince him we're good people.

ZEVRAN: Antivan Crrrrrrrrrrrrrows.

EAMON: … Oh my. Erm. I'm married, but… I mean, I suppose… that is to say… [ **COUGHS LOUDLY]** Well. You are… you have good qualities, I admit.

ZEVRAN: [ **SMIRKING]** Works every time.

[ **SCENE: DENERIM, Arl EAMON'S estate. LOGHAIN is waiting there, making the room slightly DARKER just by STANDING in it. This man convinced HALF THE COUNTRY he was the GOOD GUY.]**

LOGHAIN: Well, well, well. Look who showed up. Arl _Lazy._ Staying home while the rest of us fight the Orlesians?

EAMON: I was poisoned. And there _are_ no Orlesians. We are not at war with Orlais. You're supposed to be fighting _darkspawn._ But what you _are_ fighting is your own country, because you're a weird lunatic that can't recognize that we aren't at war with stupid fantasy France.

LELIANA: Vat is zees 'France' vouz speak of? I know nozzing of ze beautiful French people.

ALISTAIR: And I'm apparently the king! So… you know. Ask your daughter to get off my chair.

LOGHAIN: I won't be doing that.

ALISTAIR: [WHISPERS] _Blake, I think he outsmarted us._

BLAKE: Alistair, the adults are talking. Go find some cheese or something.

ALISTAIR: I like cheese!

BLAKE: Look, Loghain. We all know you killed the king and we all know you're the villain, because you have greasy black hair and you're pale. Plus, you're hanging out with Tim Curry, and he's the most evil person in the entire country.

TIM CURRY: I have no idea what you mean. I'm a public servant enjoying a delicious beverage.

BLAKE: Your cup is shaped like a skull.

TIM CURRY: HA! It isn't _shaped_ like a skull, you fool, it _is_ a skull. I took it myself from your father after I murdered him.

LOGHAIN: Andraste's sake, man, we talked about this.

TIM CURRY: I mean… after I _didn't_ murder him. Because I'm not evil.

MAID: [SNEEZES]

TIM CURRY: _How dare you interrupt me, peasant?! I will have your entire family killed!_

EAMON: … Loghain. Look me in the eye and tell me, right now, that you have _any chance_ of winning if we hold a Landsmeet to choose the king today? Look at your _closest ally._ Then look back to _me._ And tell me you think you can _win._

LOGHAIN: Well, I admit it might be rocky, but you're seriously underestimating how much our people hate Orlesians. I mean, you've met your wife. Is there anyone, anyone at _all,_ who likes her? Let's be blunt here, you only like her because you're like seventy and she'll have sex with you. Also I assume you're old enough to be partially deaf, which would be helpful in dealing with her.

EAMON: You _cad!_ Everyone loves Isolde!

BLAKE: [Tries not to LAUGH.]

LOGHAIN: And as you know, I'm a famous war hero. Popular. Charming. Possessed of the largest army in this entire country. I suspect a lot of people won't vote against me based on these facts. The last one, mostly. Yes, the last one is very large. Like my army.

EAMON: You would seriously start _another_ civil war? Right now? While Darkspawn are invading?! How evil _are_ you people?

BLAKE: [Points at TIM CURRY.]

EAMON: … Shit.

BLAKE: It's okay, future vassal. We can do this. We just have to disprove his heroic credentials by exposing his evil activities, cost him the support of Tim Curry, and make everyone in the city more afraid of me than they are of him. And that third one is already mostly done, since everyone who's ever met me is either dead or fleeing in terror as we speak.

STEN: You _are_ terrifying to the weak and pale incompetents of this pitiful nation of inbred buffoons.

BLAKE: [Wiping away a TEAR OF JOY.] You get me, man.

ALISTAIR: Yes, I do!

BLAKE: … So Eamon, are we _set_ on making him King? Totally set?

EAMON: Try to focus on how easy to manipulate he'll be for us.

BLAKE: I really like that you said 'us.'

EAMON: You don't get far in politics by not reading people.

LOGHAIN: [HARUMPHING with the HARUMPH of a great nobleman.] Well. While you may be a dangerous sociopath capable of intimidating people, you'll learn that eroding my support network is not so simple. Tim Curry is a steadfast protector of the realm…

TIM CURRY: [Takes a LARGE BITE out of what hopefully is not ROASTED BABY]

LOGHAIN: and of course my daughter the queen is my greatest ally.

ANORA: [From a GREAT DISTANCE AWAY] Hello?! Is someone there?! My father has locked me away in Tim Curry's home and I can only keep the door blockaded for so long!

LOGHAIN: Completely loyal.

ANORA: [DISTANT] I will _absolutely_ betray my father if you just get me away from that lunatic, I promise! I'm not sure what scares me more about him getting in here, the thought that me might kill me or the thought that he might _not!_

LOGHAIN: She loves me.

 **[SCENE: TIM CURRY'S manor. There are SIX MILLION GUARDS]**

BLAKE: Okay, how does he keep getting people to work for him? I know he's rich, but he's got the personality of a rabid squid.

WYNNE: Now, I know you're… differently thoughtful…

MORRIGAN: She's either stupid or insane, 'tis unclear which.

WYNNE: I was being diplomatic about that.

BLAKE: … You know, you people have no issues asking me to do all your damn errands, you could at least show me some damn respect.

STEN: You got me my sword. I respect you. When my people invade, we will kill you honorably.

BLAKE: Go to Hell, Sten.

WYNNE: _As I was trying to say_. I know that we typically take the, erm, direct approach, but we're a bit _outnumbered._ I think we should try to be stealthy. Let's acquire some guard uniforms.

BLAKE: Oh, yeah, that will work. I mean, our giant and our dwarf and our elf won't stand out if we all wear the right hats.

WYNNE: Sarcasm does not befit a young lady.

LELIANA: Ah, zat must be vy Morrikan uses it zo very much.

MORRIGAN: [Blinks in CONFUSION.] Are you trying to insult me by calling me _old_? I'm fairly certain I'm younger than you.

LELIANA: Truly? Zen I can only assume vous have been aged zomevat prematurely by livink in ze swamp like a rat all your life wiz a dangerous lunatic.

MORRIGAN: …. You're getting meaner as we travel. I can almost respect you now.

 **[SCENE: TIM CURRY'S manor, INT.]**

BLAKE: [Dressed as a GUARD] There is no universe in which that should have worked.

STEN: [Wearing a GUARD HELMET and a chainmail shirt three sizes too SMALL. It covers only his PECS and his arms are turning BLUE from not having enough BLOOD.] I will kill everyone. Everyone who has ever lived.

ZEVRAN: With what, your crappy sword from your overly-long personal quest?

STEN: _You dare?_ My personal blade, _Asala,_ is…

BLAKE: In storage at the camp because it was worse than the sword you were already using. _Shut up_. We need to find the queen, save her, and work out the best way for me to become the power behind the throne. Hopefully it will involve killing Alistair.

ALISTAIR: What?

BLAKE: Nothing.

STEN: Asala is forged from-

BLAKE: Nobody cares, Sten! Shut up and look for some sign of _unusual activity._ They've got to have the queen hidden somewhere cunning…

ZEVRAN: [Points at a LARGE, GLOWING DOOR.] This door is large and glowing. Do you suppose it is the unusual activity we seek?

ANORA: Hello? Who is that outside my door? Because you sound stupid enough to be manipulated… erm… I mean… helpful.

BLAKE: [Sighs DEEPLY] Queen Anora, I presume? Is there some reason they 'hid' you behind the only door in the castle that doubles as a neon sign?

ANORA: Look, you're dealing with Tim Curry here, don't go looking for a lot of advanced tactics. He locked the door, he had a wizard double-lock it, he went downstairs to the torture chamber. Do you mind going down to kill him? Better kill anyone in the same room as him, too, to make sure you get the wizard. Then come back up here and we can discuss destroying our political enemies.

BLAKE: Oh, you and I are going to get along famously.

[ **SCENE: The TORTURE CHAMBER. The fact the castle HAS ONE tells you a lot about the NOBILITY of FERELDEN. The fact TIM CURRY keeps his BEDROOM down there tells you a lot about HIM.]**

TIM CURRY: Well, well, well. _Well, well, well. WELL, WELL, W_

BLAKE: [STABS HIM]

TIM CURRY: … You can't be serious.

BLAKE: Oh, what. Were you seriously expecting to be a really impressive boss fight because you're the villain of my personal story arc?

TIM CURRY: Well, _yes!_ I did kill your parents, and I've been around for all this time…

BLAKE: You're a middle-aged man in leather armor. I have _literally_ killed armies of monsters. Seriously, you're a two-minute miniboss fight, at best. Morrigan one-shotted your wizard with Mana Clash forty seconds ago and that was the high point.

MORRIGAN: I have often considered love to be a weakness, but I do have a great deal of affection for whoever made up that spell.

TIM CURRY: You people are just _killing_ the drama here.

BLAKE: [Cuts TIM CURRY'S head off.] Among other things.

ALISTAIR: _Excellent_ post-murder quip, honey.

LELIANA: She's so _charming._

MORRIGAN: So, we've killed the people who killed your parents. With that in mind, have you ever considered killing my mother?

BLAKE: I'm not doing any more sidequests for you people. Unless… will you be paying me?

MORRIGAN: HA!

BLAKE: Then yeah, I'm not doing any more sidequests for you people.

ALISTAIR: But I wanted to meet my half-sister! She lives here in this very city!

BLAKE: Again: will you be paying me?

ALISTAIR: Actually she's a poor peasant woman, so I was going to give _her_ some money.

BLAKE: Well then, I guess you can go screw yourself.

ALISTAIR: D-darling! Don't you think it's a little early for us to be talking about sex? We've only been dating for two years!

BLAKE: … … … We haven't even _known_ each other that long.

MORRIGAN: [Pats her on the SHOULDER] You're asking for logic where none exists.

ALISTAIR: I like your hair.

LELIANA: Me too!

OGHREN: Heh. I am _so_ glad I'm drunk. It makes alla this seem normal.

WYNNE: … … So do you have any extra ale, then?

[ **SCENE: Back upstairs. QUEEN ANORA'S room, int.]**

ANORA: Hail, new allies. I look forward to a long and fulfilling relationship with you all based on mutual trust and I absolutely will betray you if I feel my own power is threatened in any way.

BLAKE: … So, like, I know you're a widow pretty recently, but you, uh, ever think about getting back on the dating scene…?

ANORA: Are you a political marriage option that will allow me to solidify my claim on the throne?

BLAKE: … Well, no…

ANORA: Then I guess you can go screw yourself.

BLAKE: [SHUDDER] I think I'm in love.

LELIANA: _AHEM._

BLAKE: Honey, you knew the day would come when I abandoned you for someone more ruthless.

LELIANA: Non I didn't!

BLAKE: … Oh, right, I never told you. Well, did you at least know that you fell in 'love' with me because I got you a present and complimented your hair, and the primary reason we're 'dating' is that I love sex with hot chicks and you're about 10,000% less annoying than Alistair?

LELIANA: When did zis happen?!

BLAKE: Maker Dammit, do you people just never pay attention?

MORRIGAN: [Pats her on the SHOULDER] Still seeking logic in the pits of madness, I see.

ANORA: Oh, goodie. These are my allies. My life now is that I have allies like this.

STEN: This is what I say each morning, to keep from committing honorable suicide in the name of the Qun.

ANORA: … Well, you're a barrel of laughs.

STEN: I was the funniest man in my unit.

ANORA: Hoo boy. Well. Um. All right, I have to admit, not what I planned for. But you did kill basically everyone in this castle, so you're clearly very gifted at violence. Yes, I can work with this. We can build a bond of mutual benefit and together, we will reclaim Ferelden's government. Yes. Yes, this alliance will stand the test of time.

[ **SER CAUTHRIEN, the most LIKABLE of the villains and therefore the one we SEE LEAST, enters at the head of approximately 10,000 LOGHAIN SOLDIERS.]**

CAUTHRIEN: Your Majesty! We heard reports of violence in the Arl's estate! Are you all right?

ANORA: [POINTS AT BLAKE] _It was all her! She's a mass murderer!_ _She killed all my maids and bit the head off my pet kitten!_ [FLEES]

BLAKE: Wait wh-

CAUTHRIEN: [Punches BLAKE through the WALL.]


End file.
